Harvard Hipster: “Stairs are so condescending. It’s like.. you’re just an organized hill”
Neuroscience major, on behavioral psychology: I’m definitely going to do that thing where you tell your kids you don’t love them.
Aspiring highschool journalist to Nass Freshman: Are you a paid writer for the Nassau Weekly?
Oberlin sophomore: I just heard “gender pronouns” so I had to join the conversation.
Presidential Candidate: “this awakening protector of rights, which the Court is transforming into a power for itself, can remind us — from the dead — that men are not angels, but men — seeking power over the heavens…and below.”
Junior boy: That was debunked on Yik Yak.
Dangerously high frosh, contemplatively: Infinite Joint
Disgruntled sophomore: “Leadership qualities” don’t exist. They were invented to keep Jews out of the Ivy League.
Jewish Editor-in-Chief: One of the debates I had with myself on Shabbat was whether it would be okay to turn on my computer to look at pictures of Bar Refaeli, because at least she’s a Zionist.
Sophomore boy double-fisting beers, to himself: This is sick. This is sick.
60-year-old man lecturing wife: You know what they say about selfies...you shouldn’t take them with the sun behind you.
Freshman girl: Of all my professors ever my favorite would have to be my mom. Although she graded me harsher, she admired my work.
KA senior: I’m not hungry I’m drunk.
Senior Theta: So did you hear Bon Jovi died yesterday?
Boy: Hey, do you want a yogurt covered pretzel?
Girl: Ew. No. I hate yogurt covered things. They remind me of cum covered things.
Feminist: I lied about being gay on the ACT.
Prof. da Costa Meyer: I’ve been waiting a long time for a president whose name ends in a vowel.