Joyce Carol Oates: Am I the only one in this room who was almost attacked by a swan?
Guard 1: Did you watch the Rutgers game?
Guard 2: Of course!
Guard 1: Really?
Guard 2: No.
Terrace president, aggressively: NO. You watch season one ANYWAY because you have to watch the characters PROGRESS and GROW.
Disembodied voice: I say sexy, you say science...Sexy!
Man standing in front of Rauschenberg: Honey, you like this one?
Woman: Eh, I like ours better.
Freshman girl: I’m not stupid! I’m colloquial.
Theta pledge: I skate with children with special needs. I’m so philanthropic.
Theta 1: The other night, he made me touch his chest hole.
Theta 2: Yeah, he made me put my whole head inside it once.
Professor: They call it spanking the monkey...Haha! Genitals. Anyway...
Junior Pi Phi, sinisterly: We could kill anyone we wanted to right now.
R20 member: I feel like once I’m in an eating club, I’ll learn what a soulmate is.
Student: I feel like these people should just, like, go to college and join a frat instead of flying off to join ISIS. Like, they just want to be part of something. So join something else, like, even the YMCA
Girl: Do you guys want to go to Ivy??
Wise freshman: It’s Charter Friday. If you kiss randos, no one will judge you.
Guy 1, furiously: You’re a psychopath!
Guy 2: I’m not a psychopath, I’m just enlightened!
Political reformer: New Jersey has high taxes and a culture of political corruption...To solve this, New Jersey should be dissolved as a state and the territory should be absorbed into neighboring states.
TI junior: My hair is so ratchet right now.
Junior Pi Phi: I think it looks fine, and I’m in Ivy.