Major Dilemma

April 3, 2022

River House

“What will we do in this nightmare pastoral, now that we have woken up.”

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Major Dilemma: Full Design

This week the Nass thinks like a dog, dances in verse, and reflects on Declaration Day.

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Nass Members Reflect on Concentration Declarations

It’s declaration season.

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Secondary Exposure

“Whatever the master could offer, it would represent just one millionth of the dog’s unreciprocated love.”

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A Trilogy of Poems About English Mountain, Tennessee

“The cemetery pointed the old Dutch pharaohs / Toward their heaven.”

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Review of DISIAC’s HEADLINES

A poetic assessment of a student dance group.

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Family Bones

A fiction piece reflecting on how to cope with impending loss.

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Verbatim

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Overheard in lecture

History professor: “Chiang Kai-shek would not be very happy if he found out that historians are calling his style of suit the Mao suit.”

Overheard on iMessage

Unfunny sophomore: “I’m stoned.”

Unamused respondent: “Cool”

Unfunny sophomore: “As in, I’m in stone. Firestone Library.”

Overheard in Applebee’s

COS senior: “Joseph Kony was misunderstood.”

Overheard on iMessage

Staunch Marxist: “Should I pay my taxes?”

Overheard in LCA

Paper-writing sophomore: “Yeah, so basically my thesis is that all white men just want to be back in the womb.”

White man: “You figured us out!”

Overheard outside McCosh

Eating club president: “I don't think I'm a himbo?”

A friend who knows better: “Honey, if you have to ask.”

Overheard in Whitman dining hall

Confused friend: “Do you think Eisgruber is hot?”

Offended lesbian: *pause* “I'm gay.”

Overheard at Wucox

Hemingway-obsessed student: “In a way, condoms are just baby shoes.”

Overheard in leftist discussion group

Beleaguered former girlboss: “How do I get off the Women in Economics and Policy mailing list?”

Overheard in isolation dorms

Thirsty girl: "I wanna hook up with someone this week. Oh wait, I have COVID.”

Overheard via text

Humanitarian history major: “Well, she has done nothing to me ever, but at the moment I want her to die.”

Overheard in dorm

Class-critiquing sophomore: "There's something anti-capitalist about taking my medication and washing it down with beer."

Overheard over morning grapefruit

Comedic trainwreck: “It's better to be a chill trainwreck than an un-chill trainwreck. And some people pretend to be a trainwreck when they have their shit together. That's the worst.”

Overheard at Frist Tables

Worn-out senior after physics lab: "I don't care about Brownian motion! It's random and that's all I need to know."

Realistic junior: "That's not true. You don't need to know anything. 99% of people know nothing about Brownian motion and they lead happy, successful lives."

Overheard during a Classics Workshop

Helpful reviewer: “I learned Latin in school.” *finger guns*

Classics JP author: “That's so funny because this is Greek.”