Theta sophomore: I lost a diamond earring in a boy’s room last night.
Pi Phi sophomore: Well, sex loosens all your holes.
Senior woman, to senior woman, on night out: He never texted me back...I was forced to make out with a lost Wiffenpoof instead.
Middle-aged man, to bouncer, indignantly: I was secretary of the class of '93. Do they not have me on the list?
Exasperating man, to new acquaintance: I just want to connect with you on Snapchat because I really value your perspective.
Man’s voice wafting delicately from the shower stall: Hush little baby, don’t say a word...
Consultant: What are we talking about—athletes?
Leftist Jew: Hitler.
SAE Senior: I don’t understand this “black zone.”
TI Theta: I called PSafe on a pregame last night. I’ve never felt so old.
TI senior: I’m already stressed out about my children’s education.
International senior, pragmatically: You can adopt a fully educated child.
Strategic senior: Worst-case scenario, someone steals your jacket and you Uber home.
Sophomore to senior: I didn’t know you were, like, that into the Holocaust.
Laverne Cox: It’s so hard to find men to date who aren’t patriarchal.
Professor Grafton, on history event: I don’t get to cross-dress. I’m deeply disappointed.
Professor to undergrad: I hear what you’re asking. But you need to ask yourself, is that a serious question?
Pi Phi pledge: Fuck, it’s 2015.
Cap junior: Honestly, British imperialism is pretty alluring.
Sophomore boy: I have a question: how do I go around and ask people if they’re from Africa?