Professor Wasow: I'm sure someone has done a political model of good sex.
Dude: Nah man, I got it figured out now. You just gotta get a bottle big enough to put your dick in.
Girl, lounging on bench, talking on phone: So this weekend, we have this thing called Sunday Funday, which is like this big day party where we all pretend to be Southern!
Junior nutritionist: I used to think Kind Bars were healthy, but then I realized they're basically Kältein bars.
Dastardly Terran: I have a blister from opening too many condoms.
Southern boy: The last time I cried was when I watched the movie Lincoln. I don't know, I just really love America.
Daily Prince Columnist: I just don't have an opinion on this, so I'm writing a column about it.
Terrace senior, to girlfriend: Your hair smells like a candy factory, except not with all the parts that violate international labor laws.
BodyHype senior: I'm gonna adopt 15 kids. They're gonna be all different races and each of them is gonna wear a different color sweater.
TI senior girl: Do you wanna live in regret? Or do you wanna live in Sunday Funday?
Cannon sophomore, on horses: I rode them once, and was like, "this is an ineffective means of transportation."
Senior, on drug dealer: This dude is so professional! He gives me weed in a fucking cell phone box in a Target bag.
Man: I don't mean to toot my own horn...but I am a great goat midwife.
Girl: What's that one word that means "parodoxical dichotomy?"
Politically aware girl: Feminism is sort of like communism.
Junior Pi Phi: Who else is gay that I've hooked up with?