Guy 1: I just wanted to tell you, our friendship is like peeing my pants: everyone can see it, but only I can feel the warmth.
Guy 2: I don't think we've met.
Random person: That guy is a gigantic tool.
Earnest Asian Girl: I always hear tool. What is tool mean? Last night I tried to look it up, but I cannot find precise definition.
Professor: What do you think the average depth of the ocean is?
Student: 50,000 miles?
Guy 1: Do I look like a bitch?
Guy 2: (quickly) Yes.
Guy 1: Well, then why do you gotta- wait. Oh.
Female Ivy member to bickeree: Now tell this Cottage member three things you hate about her club.
Bickeree: But-- but I don't know three Cottage members!