Terran, upon hearing that North Korea accused Trump of declaring war: I never thought I'd have a jalapeño popper in my mouth when I learned of the beginning of the apocalypse.
Yung aspiring journalist: I want to third floor bicker the New Yorker.
Ivy junior: How much do you think Graham Phillips thinks about me?
St. A's senior: So, I'm writing a manifesto. Don't verbatim me.
Ivy junior to junior history major: We’re such douchebags. You just said "bourgeois means of production" in a Claire's.
SWUG, reading her ex's Facebook status: Anyone want to make latkes? Also, I'm bisexual.
Blivy member: After reading for African-American history, I've realized having someone else do my laundry is my intersectional feminism.
PFA male: You don't want to know too many atheists. It means you're not converting them fast enough.
International Pi Phi, attempting to refer to the GPS-tracked buzzer: Hey, do you have a vibrator?
Private Equity bro/Yale alum, upon arriving in Princeton: The Brooks Brothers. Spectacular. Should be on Madison.
Sober sophomore: You smell like weed and sadness.
Dangerously high male, to art major/significant other: You are so aesthetic but you have no utility.
Cornell frat bro: This sorority girl wouldn't let me drive her home because she didn't believe I was sober after watching me tear up the dance floor. Couldn't comprehend how someone could be sober and bring that much energy.
Defensive man: You may be busy trying to lose your virginity, but I'm busy trying to read my Greek-English lexicon.
Senior, on job recruiting: I think I'll go to a theological seminary. I just feel closer to God through this process.
Theta senior: Great, I spilled soup all over my $200 dress. I guess it's fine, I have to change before sailing practice anyway.