Philosopher, profoundly: The only thing money can’t buy is...poverty.
Ivy Pi Phi: You’ve gotta follow your dream, though. (pause) I just read an Elite Daily article that told me that.
Professor Smith: Why else would you be walking alone on the railroad track with a pounding heart if you weren’t torn up about love?
St. A’s junior: I’m a better person on cocaine.
Prince Editor: The lesbians I met at JP Morgan are super fratty.
One elderly woman to another: So tell me again the difference between plugs and beads?
Chi Phi: Drink beer. Drink protein. Talk about lifting. Don’t get with chix. That’s the M.O. for tonight.
“I’m up here every goddamned night,” Mr. Ryan says. “I’ve gained 20 pounds drinking Champagne since summer.”
WPRB staffer: You Nass girls seem very...in touch with yourselves.
Old British man: It’s like the Guggenheim, but for killing cattle.
Audience member: What’s the key to a happy life?
The Dalai Lama: Money. And sex.
Theta Senior: I bet Cottage would hose the Dalai Lama.
Bro 1: Dude, you blackout?
Bro 2: Who?
RCA, on reasons to go to Diwali Eid celebration: You aren’t a true player until you’ve gotten a girl to take off her hijab.
Middle-aged townie, in stall: I’m not gonna puke in this stall, I don’t puke fucking ever. (flushes, leaves stall) Anyway, the last time I puked was in front of Tommy’s.
’11 alum in Moncler vest and Princeton baseball cap: It makes me livid how people who went to tertiary—no, septenary—schools appropriate our culture. Buying a Barbour jacket doesn’t negate the fact that you went to fucking James Madison University.
Professor Paul Muldoon: The Holocaust is very much like the cronut in that respect.
Terran: If I had procreated with her, the baby would have popped out, held open his hand while the doctor spanked his butt and politely demanded a crack pipe.