Junior: If you don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.
Ivy senior: Bicker filters out virgins.
Fatigued anthropologist: I shall take the universal secondary status of women as a given, and proceed from there.
Sophomore Pi Phi: Omg tuna carpacc…? I love tuna carpaccio.
Burned out premed: We would like to offer you a spot to join our biomedical startup. We don't have a product or a plan or an idea or business knowledge, but we think you would be a great fit for our team.
Scraggly junior: Structuralism is so hot right now.
Freshman boy, on female beauty standards: Thigh gaps are cool.
SWUG: People who don't like cats just don't understand nuance.
Younger cousin, reading a sign: I want a kappakukki!!
Older cousin, wise: What? Oh, a cappuccino?
Girl on phone: Fuck you if you’re old!
Self-assured sophomore: Okay, Ronald Reagan. Smash or pass?
Over-enthusiastic sophomore: I'm only doing ORFE for the prestige.
Incoming investment banking summer analyst: Do you think Trump is actually gonna get in trouble for this?
Incoming management consulting summer associate: I don't know, but all the markets are down right now.
Incoming investment banking summer analyst: I wish the Trump Organization were public…I'd short the shit out of it.
White male, wearing cardigan: "I didn't realize that the government affected me until the shutdown."
Sophomore Guy 1: I've got to go to the EQuad to work on my EPICs project.
Sophomore Guy 2: Ah what do you read for that, The Odyssey?
Girl discussing a suspected cheater: I just don’t understand how he can lie that well! He’s either a professional or he’s crazy. [beat] And I mean, his favorite movie is Beautiful Mind…