Would-be male feminist, at 2 a.m.: Hey
Would-be male feminist, at 2 p.m.: So...
Angry frosh: The thing I hate the most about the US military is ROTC taking up valuable space in the egg line.
Senior woman: You should go for him. Your college shelf-life aligns with his relationship longevity.
ORFE senior: I’m a Wall Street Journal Democrat.
Young spiritualist: I could never be in a relationship with a very religious man because I would feel like God or Jesus was in between us.
Zete pledge: I think they should make pledging a requirement…like writing sem.
Black market aficionado: We should all get roosters so we can fight them in the Nass room.
Fratty soph: TI is becoming the new Campus Club. They're never on tap anymore.
International student, wearing Victoria Beckham knockoff sunglasses: Ugh I hate Frist, it’s so quotidien.
Neurotic copy editor, dryly: Nothing in my body works, so I cover it up with makeup and a positive attitude.
Surprisingly uninformed New Yorker: You know, some of the stock market is down.
Religiously-raised lover nursing a gin and tonic: I once thought about God watching me masturbate and then I stopped believing in God.
Glee sophomore: I had my sexual awakening at choir camp.
Prepubescent-looking frosh: I don’t write papers, I roll them.
Enlightened upperclassman: Sophomore year, mono saved me from being an alcoholic.
Terrace dropout: Who do I have to sleep with to get off the 2D waitlist?
White boy, completely seriously: Oh, man. This is my absolute shit. What a fucking banger.
Pi Phi woman in STEM: I took a breath of marijuana and time stopped.