God’s Plan B

February 25, 2018


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Overheard on iMessage

Would-be male feminist, at 2 a.m.: Hey
Would-be male feminist, at 2 p.m.: So...

Overheard in Wilcox

Angry frosh: The thing I hate the most about the US military is ROTC taking up valuable space in the egg line.

Overheard at Fields Center

Senior woman: You should go for him. Your college shelf-life aligns with his relationship longevity.

Overheard in Tower

ORFE senior: I’m a Wall Street Journal Democrat.

Overheard at the waxing salon

Young spiritualist: I could never be in a relationship with a very religious man because I would feel like God or Jesus was in between us.

Overheard in Frist

Zete pledge: I think they should make pledging a requirement…like writing sem.

Overheard at a Nass Meeting

Black market aficionado: We should all get roosters so we can fight them in the Nass room.

Overheard in Lewis Library

Fratty soph: TI is becoming the new Campus Club. They're never on tap anymore.

Overheard in Starbucks

International student, wearing Victoria Beckham knockoff sunglasses: Ugh I hate Frist, it’s so quotidien.

Overheard in a newsroom

Neurotic copy editor, dryly: Nothing in my body works, so I cover it up with makeup and a positive attitude.

Overheard in Firestone

Surprisingly uninformed New Yorker: You know, some of the stock market is down.

Overheard at Valentine’s Day dinner

Religiously-raised lover nursing a gin and tonic: I once thought about God watching me masturbate and then I stopped believing in God.

Overheard on the New Jersey Turnpike

Glee sophomore: I had my sexual awakening at choir camp.

Overheard in Writing Center:

Prepubescent-looking frosh: I don’t write papers, I roll them.

Overheard outside Firestone

Enlightened upperclassman: Sophomore year, mono saved me from being an alcoholic.

Overheard in Carl A. Fields Center

Terrace dropout: Who do I have to sleep with to get off the 2D waitlist?

Overheard while listening to Vampire Weekend’s “Diplomat’s Son”

White boy, completely seriously: Oh, man. This is my absolute shit. What a fucking banger.

Overheard in Ivy

Pi Phi woman in STEM: I took a breath of marijuana and time stopped.