Woman: Apparently hedgehogs need to be pet frequently or else they become anti-social—
Grad Student: Just like dating a doctoral candidate.
Pi Phi pledge: I don’t really care about Iraq.
Sensitive, pallid male, excitedly: He sent us a link to all of Ulysses as an audiobook! Now I can listen to it at the gym.
List: 17 Perfect Ways to Return to your Family After Going to War
Math bro: There’s a really cool undergraduate math colloquium tomorrow... but it’s at the same time as the Goldman quant info session. I’m being tested.
Woody Woo major, to friend in the throes of romance: How can we optimize your love?
Nass soph, looking at photo of himself: You should Insta that. I like knowing that I exist on social networks I don’t participate in.
Girl: Hey Mathey, Does anyone happen to own a whip, leash, collar, or fur vest I could borrow for tomorrow? I promise no sketchy activities will occur with the items.
TI SAE: I have a whip, leash, and collar. However, I do not happen to have a fur vest.
Jaded ISC freshman: I basically expected college to be a series of a cappella concerts with some classes in between, and that’s just not the way it’s been.
Guy: It’s not that I’m fascinated by her, exactly. More by what she stands for.
Columbia kid: SAE? Society of American Engineers?
Interviewer: Educational start up?
Interviewee: Yup. But for-profit.
Interviewer: For profit? Excellent.
Terrace male, to Pi Phi female: You have an iron I can borrow by any chance? Mini fashion emergency.
Stoned job-seeker: Anyone looking for a resident chiller, perhaps?
Pi Phi pledge: Why did you just ignore him?
SAE pledge: I already have too many people I say hello to.
Bro: I’m so excited for brunch. Finna get some tofu scramble, doe.
Male: ...Am I famous? No, I’m not famous. Maybe notorious.
Dude on phone, snarling: I know it’s pronounced “How-ston,” I spent a fucking summer in New York.
Ivy senior: I wore my Amherst sweatshirt to State Night once.
Water polo male: She’s a closer. She is like the Mariano Rivera of blow jobs.