Professor, to student: I think your thesis is funny, because it's not as academically successful but it's more . . . useful.
Diner: The worst part about my cousin coming out of the closet was how long it took. She was talking to me for like five hours.
Member, in reference to Nassau Weekly stacks stored in the club: Let's get some wire from Home Depot, bind up the stacks and make some new lounge furniture out of them.
Student: I'm sick of earthquakes happening while I'm taking "Natural Disasters."
Guy: Damn it, she's got a dude with her.
Girl: That guy is gay.
Guy: Gay like homosexual, or gay like retarded?