Senior English major: Ever since my mom rediscovered weed in her midlife crisis, our vacations have improved dramatically.
Sophomore Pi Phi: Fuck, I love Hammurabi.
Girl in ECS 391 - Holocaust Testimony: Honestly what we’re reading isn't so dense. It's mostly fiction, actually.
Sophomore Pi Phi: I can't be unattractive, it would ruin me.
ART History major: Exponents are hard man. Like, how you multiply and divide them. Like what's two-thirds times four-sixths??
Brooklyn brownstone resident: I think I'd be a good bootlegger.
Upper West Side sophomore: I realized I was the only white person in my precept as I was saying the sentence: "La La Land is a movie about jazz, and there are no black people."
Sophomore junior editor: My nipples are so destructible.
Ambitious woman: I am the only white girl from my freshman sem who hasn't won a major academic award!
Esteemed poet laureate Paul Muldoon: I wonder if I might be a weaboo?
Press Club Senior, to Jewish Woman: You're definitely in the 95th percentile of looking like Anne Frank.
Prep-school cum NYU friend: I just bought the most middle-class bong ever.
Ivy sophomore: I hope Ivy charters a coach bus to go to Brunch-Con.
Distraught Bro: What do these people do with the parts of the chicken I actually want to eat?!
WPRB station manager, to friend's parent: Have you heard of Pitchfork?
ORFE major: The things I do for love… (in hushed tone) of money.