Bereft freshman: I’ve literally watched YouTube videos to try to help with pill swallowing techniques.
13 year old, sarcastically: But global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Gary Johnson voter: No. It was Al Gore.
Goldman Sachs analyst: We already fired our affirmative action hire.
Distinguished professor, picking up phone: Hey baby, how you doing?
Female voice on phone, with heavy New York accent: Hey baby, how YOU doing?
After casino night, sophomore girl in front of honey mustard: Really, that’s your guys’ favorite position?
[Later] Same girl, earnestly: Do I have a nice butt to fuck from behind?
Male student: I just realized that when I tell a female friend i want to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, what I really mean is I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Socialite: I cut my coke nails they were affecting my ability to work not that i work
Female engineer: I did an ab routine yesterday. I was very confused.
Young man: I want to watch football.
WASPy mother, horrified: No, no. That’s common.
Dignified elderly man: The only reason people join politics in Brazil is to get dick.
Former officer: All my problems will be solved once I get back on Tinder.
Single freshman: I really need to be fucking somebody with a foot fetish, because all I would need to do is put my foot in their face, get a foot massage, and then I could go to sleep.
Short freshman male: When I do group projects, I always end up being a dominatrix.
Female student: The first time I had sex, I didn’t really know what it was. I didn’t realize that there was work involved.
Gymnast: Oh, I thought it was a large flaccid penis, but it’s actually a dog.
Loveless sophomore: I’d love to find a trophy wife and then just not marry her.