Frosh having an existential crisis: I want them to play “I Took A Pill In Ibiza” at my funeral.
Flu-ridden sophomore Pi Phi: Honestly this is probably what pregnancy feels like.
Former St. A's member: Three things I hate the most: Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Meat.
Catholic schmuck at dinner: I'm not marrying someone unless they say they also want 10-12 children. Deal breaker.
Student 1, jokingly: I’m only here to waste time.
Student 2: Well, you’re doing a great job.
Religious boi to complete stranger: I had a dream about hell last night and you were there.
Complete stranger: What the fuck, man
Shaman woman: So I got a three-pack of Disney knickers. One of them was Mulan.
Suburban mom: My son said he wanted to get married. I said, "why the f would you do that?!" So he changed his mind and bought flying squirrels instead.
Soph to crying friend: What hole would he fill for you except for your vagina?
Student in fur coat, using heavy-duty stapler, whispering to self: I feel like a grown-ass woman.
PSafe officer about to McCosh a drunk senior guy in basement bathroom: Hurry get in the car! Frist is on fire!
Professor: So what's great about this essay?
Savage: You know, I really like the fact that this is the first draft and it'll be revised.
Dramatic Pi Phi, on the phone a month-long boyfriend in Forbes: It's tough, but could we consider this an LDR?
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.
Jaded senior: I want to be bored but it’s also interesting.
Drunk TI SWUG on Valentine's Day: I feel like in a past life I was a horse whisperer.
Former Ivy officer: I think it's incredibly ironic he would write that given our incredibly diverse new group of officers.
Nass frosh: Do you read the New Yorker? I mean, have you heard of David Remnick?