Cap junior: When I graduate from Princeton, the GroupMe is gonna be my biggest accomplishment.
Female scholar: I just need someone to massage my boobs, ya know?
Freshman psychoanalyst: I think he tries to hide his emotions by expressly showing them. You know what I mean?
Friend, befuddled: Umm, no.
Young man: I could graduate from Harvard taking zero classes. Zero classes.
Confused young man: Some people think saying America is great is offensive. I say look at the moon. Brazil, is that your bitch ass country’s flag up there? I don’t think so.
Alum, to another alum: You’re not even the creepiest alum here!
Pi Phi pledge, gripping $8 juice bottle: Make me well Tico’s, make me well.
Little boy to other little boy, eating lunch: I wish penne pasta was called penis.
Wise junior: There’s no faster way to lose weight than give birth.
Male Religion grad student: Mansplaining always works.
Jewish journalist: That’s why the Prince is bad, there are no Jews in it. Gentiles all!
Grad student, to exhibitionist grad student: What if you’re performing acts and you run into a student?
Exhibitionist grad student: Oh, it’s happened already.
Junior aesthete, on cello music: I used to listen to this in my room and cry.
Man, sniffing his beer: Mmm, smells like my dad.
Junior girl: I feel like having a trust fund could be stressful.
WASP male: Oh, it definitely is not.
Boy: Didn’t we make out at Ivy on Saturday?
Boy: Cool. See you around!
Ivy male 1: Staff chug?
Ivy male 2: No dude, they’re supposed to be cleaning up, I don’t want them drinking.
Junior Pi Phi: Have you ever drank so much red wine that you shit it out in pure form the next morning? Because I have.