Football bro, to other bros: The thing with business is you really need to be good at golf.
Girl, whispering at full volume: Now [redacted] wants me to flush his coke for him. What am I, his mother?
Pyne Prize winner: Bunghole means butt...[snickers].
Professor: I KNOW THAT. I’m telling you what it ACTUALLY means.
Jewish fratter: I don’t get stressed. Unless it’s about Iran. Or Israel. Or girls.
History alum ‘14: Honestly, I feel I would have gotten an A+ on my thesis if my advisor was a native English speaker.
Junior girl: I could never run for office. I’ve got way too many nudes out there.
Professor Levin: I get off to critical engagement. I DO!
Prof. to AEPi bro: I think you have a future as a CFO who goes to jail.
Football Player: Not only did you take my girl, you also took her in the shower that I jack off in.
Shiksa Brit: If I were creating a master race, it would probably look pretty Jewish.
Martin Mbugua: Try to answer in complete sentences. The Daily Princetonian loves that.
Chaetophobic sophomore: I like Greece as a vacation spot, I don’t want to marry a hairy Greek man!
Senior girl: I love your outfit! It’s just like your wedding color palette!
NYU dude: But yeah imo Europe is just sorta an extension of US where Asia is straight up diff species.
WWS senior: all im sayin is i hit it first and by it i mean the discourse.
Wealthy bro: We only know the new royals, like the Saudis. We don’t, like, know the English royalty.
Woman, sighing: I have more followers than ever, but I feel so empty.
Millennial Nabokovian: Yo, check out this tangle of thorns.