22-year-old adult male, contemplating sweater purchase: I’m scared my mom will make fun of it.
Corporate executive, philosophically: Do you think they’ve discovered all the foods?
English professor, conspiratorially: You know what they told me the problem was? There just aren’t any good drunks left in the English department.
WASP scion: “I’m very open-minded. I hung out with all kinds of fraternities at school.”
Intoxicated woman, talking on the phone in a bar courtyard: My cat is just amazing, she loves the sound of the human voice—I could be talking about global warming about whatever and she just loves it...she’s like some kind of Buddhist reincar- nation, like reincarnated to be with me.
WASP: I can’t watch Atonement. it gives me class anxiety.
Overzealous sophomore: I can’t wait to write my thesis so I can finally use the Princeton font!
Offended student: “I thought you were coming over here to hug me, not go to the bathroom!”
American frosh: It’s amazing you speak English so well.
New Zealander: I mean, we speak English in New Zealand. American frosh: But if you speak English, then why do you have an accent?
Nass soph: Everyone in my life keeps giving me subtle signs to stop being an asshole.
Nass sophomore, on motherly Nass alum: There’s literally zero doubt in my mind that at some point in my life I will hook up with her.
Southern gentleman: I could be a mean old daddy if I wanted.
Anon student: I would never commit incest (knowingly).
Senior Female, to Male Writer: I’ll take your phallus and raise you one.
Orthodox Jew (translating Latin): Castus, the act of abstaining from sensual pleasures for religious reasons. Literally, what is my life?
Straight white man: Lesbians are a group of people I’ve never been able to connect with.