Cultural Jew: You've never heard of Meyer Lansky? He's my favorite American Jew!
Disappointed frosh: I've always been sort of tenuously interested in astrology because I'm a Leo.
Professor who brought candy for his class: At this point in the semester, an IV of crack is a better idea.
Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.
Club Manager: I'm kind of a Wawa ho. I've been to every Wawa in North Jersey.
Yale grad student: New Haven has a surprising amount of nature. Like, rocks.
St. Ann’s alum: My shower shoes are Birkenstocks.
Student in sophomore slump: These salad bowls give me anxiety.
Quad senior: I think he's very confident about his weight loss from last summer. Then again, that's when he had malaria.
St. A's Interviewee: People don't think English is hard until I tell them I'm going to law school after.
Angry aspiring Nass designer: Nietzsche's aesthetic is the Nass.
Princeton dropout, pointing at a Fjallraven Kanken backpack: I could wipe my butt with that.
Drunk townie, to three friends: I, like, never go out. If I do go out it's always with you five bitches.
Nass frosh: I like memes and I like eating ass. Call me the dirty meme kid.
Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.
Officer: How does a sociopath masturbate?
Ivy Junior, on white male names: Matt is the white Muhammad.