Professor Seegers: Have you ever been west of the Mississippi?
Student: How far west is the Mississippi? Oh wait, I’ve been to California.
I hate dill pickles but I love penises.
It’s harder to keep your legs together than you thought, isn’t it?
This is one of my personal favorites, the bearded tit.
So what’s the difference between a Kappa and a Theta?
I dunno...um...like, forty pounds?
Oh, I see. ‘Between them’ doesn’t necessarily mean the earth and sky are having sex. That’s just the way my mind works, I guess.
He’s like you, only European.
He’s not like me; I have a sense of humor.
That’s what I meant by ‘European’.
I really want to catch a groundhog and release it in Cottage. But they’d probably just think it was a Chinese kid and beat it up.
The dining room at Tower looks like that place that white trash go for their b-days.
You mean Sizzler?
Is that what it’s called?
Do you want me to eat Cheez-Whiz out of your asshole or not?
I’m sort of disturbed by the fact that he uses my computer to look at porn. I know he wasn’t masturbating, but one day he’s just going to snap and I’ll come home to find nut all over my screen.
Guy 1: So, how goes your attempt to adopt a heterosexual lifestyle?
Guy 2: Well, I scratched my nuts, and then I smelled my fingers.
Guy 1: Wow. Six minutes in and you’ve pretty much got everything covered.