Captain Cook and the Sandwich Islands Encounter

March 30, 2014

The Great Debate

President Christopher Eisgruber is reclining in the middle seat of a long table, looking as relaxed as I’ve seen him and wearing a mortarboard with an impressive tassle. Famed history professor Julian Zelizer is here too, sitting with famed improviser Adam Mastroianni ’14, so already the fame count in the room is too high for my personal comfort

by Sophie Parker-Rees on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

Capers

A love-hate letter.

by Lily Offit on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

A Bug’s Death

I am nine years old, give or take a couple years, and I have learned rage. Like a clumsy Hulk, I crush and I smash and I murder what must be dozens, if not billions, of ants.

by Dayton Martindale on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

A Food Made from the Pressed Curds of Milk

For a person with dietary restrictions, food in America is like a dense minefield of things he or she cannot eat. Meat and cheese are everywhere, sneakily stuck in the most unsuspecting locations.

by Joshua Leifer on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

Dinner For One

After i made the reservation, opentable.com asked me if I wanted to send an invitation to the other guest(s). I smirked to myself at the flaw in their system that it would ask such a question after making a reservation for one.

by Emily Kamen on March 30, 2014April 6, 2014

Food Diary

The dining hall lurches with athletes. You sit down next to your friend’s maybe-roommate and she looks down at her own plate. “Wow,” she says, “you’re eating so little.”

by Emily Lever, Rachel Stone on March 30, 2014April 6, 2014

Keeping Up with the Kashrut-ians

Exodus chapter 34, verse 26: “Thou shalt not boil a kid in his mother’s milk.” Some 5,000 (or 2,000, depending on who you think wrote the Torah) years ago, God told the Jewish people not to mix milk and meat. … Read More

by Aron Wander on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

Tales of a Non-Jewish Chabadnik

“Come to Chabad for dinner with me and Hannie tonight!” It’s early in October when my roommate, Molly, makes the invitation. In my ignorance, I thought she was just pronouncing “Shabbat” differently and that we’d be going to the CJL for dinner.

by Catalina Trigo on March 30, 2014April 18, 2014

Dirge

Something about the engineering of stairwells / makes you want to push someone down one. / Vertebrae snapping against all those / edges straight as rulers. Too violent,

by Eliza Mott on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

Waiting for Cronut

At 6 am I am standing in a line that stretches along the gates of Vesuvio Playground, a small urban park on the corner of Spring Street and Thompson Street in Soho. At 6:30 am, a CBS news van pulls up to the corner across the street. A young brunette woman and her cameraman jump out of the van and sprint into action. Panorama shots of the line are taken.

by Lovia Gyarkye on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

The Correct Way to Harvest Carrots

First, bleach your thumbs white. When you reach your hands inside the dark, ancient soil they will glow like night worms.

by Rachel Stone on March 30, 2014March 30, 2014

Sweet Rituals

I don’t remember when my sister and I began baking cookies together, but soon it was a permanent fixture, the ritual of our childhood. Every Monday at seven o’clock, our mother would drop me and Cecily off at our father’s house.

by Olivia Lloyd on March 30, 2014April 6, 2014

Verbatim

Overheard on St. Patrick’s Day

Instagram caption: Irish car bombs with my preschool teacher!! Life comes full circle

Overheard at Theta chapter

Theta president: We don’t have standards at this chapter. Wait, I mean...

Overheard in Spelman

Girl: You accidentally sent a love poem to your sister?
Boy, defensively: There wasn’t that much sex in it.

Overheard in Frist

Freshman cokehead: I just want to take a year off and do something crazy, like become an hors-piste skier.

Overheard in RoMa

Woody Woo soph: I don’t think Secretary of State is something to aspire towards. The presidency is.

Overheard on Gchat

Ivy senior: imagine if there were a worldwide meningitis outbreak and princeton university had to repopulate the planet...the world would be so much better off.

Overheard in 1901 Hall

Single junior, scrolling through Tinder: Basic. Basic. Basic. Basic.

Overheard in Marie Claire

Shailene Woodley: My only real insecurities in high school were having such long legs and thick hair.

Overheard outside Firestone

Girl on phone: I just wanted someone to talk to—[pause]...about my thesis.

Overheard in Forbes

Southern belle: I realized his silver pattern would have looked horrible with mine—that’s how I got closure.

Overheard in the Nass inbox

Hello, I am working with a local author and she was interested in possibly putting an ad in the princetonian for her book and she was wondering what the costs were as well.
Thank you!

Overheard in Frist

SAE soph, to girl: I have bigger eyes than you. And longer eyelashes. Really, I’m just cuter.

Overheard on Facebook chat

Exasperated Pi Phi junior, on Fashion Speaks: I might fail my midterms but at least 4 girls will be wearing silky halter tops.

Overheard on Facebook chat

Sophomore Terran: He will give you what I call the “econ major TI fuck” which will last a while and leave you satisfied with ABSOLUTELY no emotional fulfillment, but at least you won’t have cum in your mouth.

Overheard on iMessage

Mother, to Ivy son: Please don’t join the 21 club.

Overheard in Forbes

Prince editor: My sophomore year of high school, my English teacher was this hot Mexican dude. He was also dying of cancer. I was like, I could not be more attracted to you.

Overheard in Swahili 107

Philosophical Cottage soph: Jazz has words...?