Cannon Bonfire of the Vanities

November 18, 2018

Verbatim

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Overheard in the bathroom

Girl, looking in mirror, whispering: Sad… No! Repress repress repress!

Overheard on a bench

First-time smoker, on nicotine: I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Overheard in Tower

USG junior, on the Campbell Crapper: We have equipment in Icahn–let's DNA sequence this shit.

Overheard outside McCarter

Man: I can't use Zagster anymore without getting sad.

Overheard on iMessage

Autocorrect victim: I’m about to cry just reading Alexandria Occasion Cortex's Wikipedia

Overheard in Jerusalem

Junior theta: I learned everything I know about Jesus from Jesus Christ Superstar, which means I know a lot.

Overheard over text at 2 a.m.

Terrace Architecture major, junior: I think I had communist dreams last night, or dreams about communism??

Overheard at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop

Poet: If I had $100 and could give it to poetry or give it to science…I would give it to science.

Overheard in Terrace

Junior, dreaming big: I'm donating 20K specifically so the stalls in the girls’ bathroom can be made bigger.

Overheard in Jadwin

Sad math whiz, broodingly: You only feel the derivative of your happiness.

Overheard in Tower

Former Capitol Hill intern: I really don't want your vote to count.

Overheard in New Hampshire

Concerned parent, mid thought, to son: Did you see what Trump did this mornin—ARE YOU DRINKING COFFEE FROM THE CHINA?!?

Overheard in Frist “study” sesh

Sophomore who doesn't give a damn: I don't know anything about his personality but I know so much about his dick.

Overheard outside RoMa

Girl: Hey did you see the introduction to bondage workshop? We've been missing out!
Boy: My people were doing that thousands of years ago in EGYPT!!

Overheard in Cottage basement

Sophomore, to junior: You're Victoria, and I'm the secret.

Overhead at Murray Dodge

USG member: I have to leave USG because I'm studying abroad.
Another USG member: You lucky bitch!

Overheard at TI

SWUG with an inflated ego: I don't care. I'm a SWUG. Fight me.

Overheard at Terrace, Nov. 1 12:03 a.m.

Sangria-drinking junior: Wow, it is very much still Halloween on Club Penguin.

Overheard in Frist

Liberal Activist 1: I feel like pegging has the potential to take down the patriarchy.
Liberal Activist 2: Who is Peggy?