Girl, looking in mirror, whispering: Sad… No! Repress repress repress!
First-time smoker, on nicotine: I think this is what cocaine feels like.
USG junior, on the Campbell Crapper: We have equipment in Icahn–let's DNA sequence this shit.
Junior theta: I learned everything I know about Jesus from Jesus Christ Superstar, which means I know a lot.
Autocorrect victim: I’m about to cry just reading Alexandria Occasion Cortex's Wikipedia
Man: I can't use Zagster anymore without getting sad.
Terrace Architecture major, junior: I think I had communist dreams last night, or dreams about communism??
Poet: If I had $100 and could give it to poetry or give it to science…I would give it to science.
Junior, dreaming big: I'm donating 20K specifically so the stalls in the girls’ bathroom can be made bigger.
Sad math whiz, broodingly: You only feel the derivative of your happiness.
Former Capitol Hill intern: I really don't want your vote to count.
Concerned parent, mid thought, to son: Did you see what Trump did this mornin—ARE YOU DRINKING COFFEE FROM THE CHINA?!?
Sophomore who doesn't give a damn: I don't know anything about his personality but I know so much about his dick.
Girl: Hey did you see the introduction to bondage workshop? We've been missing out!
Boy: My people were doing that thousands of years ago in EGYPT!!
Sophomore, to junior: You're Victoria, and I'm the secret.
USG member: I have to leave USG because I'm studying abroad.
Another USG member: You lucky bitch!
SWUG with an inflated ego: I don't care. I'm a SWUG. Fight me.
Sangria-drinking junior: Wow, it is very much still Halloween on Club Penguin.
Liberal Activist 1: I feel like pegging has the potential to take down the patriarchy.
Liberal Activist 2: Who is Peggy?