Junior Art Director, flipping angrily through book: I don’t want to read about love.
Young artist, on potato: “The warm, starchy substance entered my mouth.”
Woody Woo major: I found my- self really paying attention to whether the author’s last name ended in a vowel.
(later): How would I feel if Putin bombed the United States and made the White House his new house?
Senior staffer, proudly: My recommendation was good. It was so good, someone asked me if I slept with her. THAT’S how good it was.
Ivy senior: I talked to my mom, and she said it’s okay for me to go out tonight.
Finance bro: Jobs hit my g-spot in the right way.
Jew 1: The Nass is Princeton’s half-literary, half-penis joke publication...
Jew 2: And all Jewish...
Jew 3: And about one-quarter self-hating.
Jew 1: One-quarter self-hating would have been good enough for Hitler...
Girl with British accent, on what she does for breakfast:
I inhale a Greek yogurt and smash a banana in my face.
Senior girl’s mother, to senior girl: If you came out as gay I would be so excited! I would want to know everything about gay culture.
Virgin, on mysterious item in box: It smells like the lubricant we used to lubricate our rifles with in high school.
Other virgin: Just your rifles???
TI sophomore: State night is the root of all mono.
Terrace senior: When I wear sunglasses, I look like someone who beats homeless people for a living.
Junior aesthete, rapping somberly: M, I, L, F, sautee the pussy ‘cuz I am the chef.
Nass dad: Did you see the Terry Gross cartoon in the New Yorker?
Drunk WASP senior, to parents: Where is my check for $[five figures].
Junior TI Theta to other junior TI Theta: You haven’t even had sex? Even weird people have had sex.