Gay senior: Guess what fur my coat is?
Gay sophomore: Sea otter or river otter?
Gay senior: It’s fucking mink.
Woman: I’ve had sex with guys whose dicks were, like, eight tampons.
Front-row senior: That man is very beautiful but why is he dancing in chinos?
Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another
Press Club senior, deciding what music to play: Is it time for some pre-Shabbat hadag nachash?
Former Nass EIC: No, I don’t want to be publicly Jewish right now.
Journalist 1: It’s spelled GRAY.
Journalist 2: I will only ever use GREY bc I know it primarily as a horse color & Pony Club spells it that way.
Tween girl: Can I buy a puppy with Apple Pay?
MFA student: I tried being unpretentious, but it didn’t work out.
Philosophy bro, probably: If I were to walk around with an armband with a yellow Star of David, people would think I’m insane!
Philosophy bro, recounting conversation with mom: “No Mom, I have a Muslim roommate, you don’t get it!”
Same bro: If a boy from the South decides to wear a Confederate flag around as a symbol of Southern pride... What’s wrong with that?!
Sophomore Pi Phi, defending her artistry: I am, by definition, a quilter.
Jew 1: You’d break Passover for fine beer night?!
Jew 2: I already broke it to avoid gay sex!!
Econ major: My first hookup wasn’t a virgin and I was terrified.
Same econ bro, later: She was from Paraguay.
Annoyed Jewish man: Wow, you’re such an ally to the global south.
Self-aware Ivy sophomore, holding This Side of Paradise: I wonder if I can find “breathless and aristocratic” in here... I wouldn’t be mad if you verbatim-ed that.