Lapsed Hebrew: I’m PDF-ing Judaism.
Sophomore rower: The thing is, I told him I’d marry him for housing.
Professor Frank Bruni: People are just [chuckles to himself] …thirsty.
Blonde girl, exasperated: Why do you want to hook up with me now?? I thought you thought I was crazy!
Blond guy: Oh no, I definitely still think you’re crazy.
Sophomore theta, pensively: Do you ever just look around the dining hall and think, “I don’t want any of these girls to be my little?”
Football player: Excuse me, where is that place where, you know, you like, study?
Sophomore girl: The library?
Football player: Yeah.
Drunk girl 1: Shout it out to the world, Sarah, what do you want covered?!
Drunk girl 2, screaming: My vagina!!!
The Kentucky Baptist Convention wants to “point people to Christ” by giving away guns at Second Amendment Celebrations hosted across the state. In the words of spokesman Chuck McAlister the strategy is “outreach to red-necks,” and 1,000 people are expected to attend the next event.
P. Adams Sitney, explaining aristocratic custom: If you’ve ever touched a doorknob, you’ll never be king.
Sophomore Pi Phi: This summer? I’m doing the Dale, probably.
Orthodox sophomore girl, receiving help on COS homework: You don’t have to help me with this.
Orthodox sophomore boy: No, I really enjoy watching you.
Prof. Blair Roberts: It seems hard to understand why females might prefer a longer penis. That seems kind of arbitrary to me.
Gay freshman: I don’t necessarily want to join Ivy, but I see it as a challenge.
Perpetually disgruntled professor: Students don’t do drugs here. At least that’s the rumor.
(smothered sniggers from the students)
Professor: We don’t advocate it unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Eager Chi Phi junior: I’m over those Pi Phis. I’m going for hot alternative girls.
Thank you to everyone who came to formals on Saturday. It was a fun time. But on to more important issues of social justice: