Adele Dazeem

March 8, 2014

Play It Again, Sam

They are the prophets of unwanted gaiety, the minstrels of midnight madness—they are the piano players of Frist, and I hereby appoint myself their public defense.

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Invisible Fratter

“Master Race! Master Race!” chanted my drunken Aryan friends. The “Beer Olympics” had seemed like a great idea; what better way to build camaraderie amongst brothers than to engage in the spirit of competition, and to do it while getting shitfaced?

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Malik, Not Samuel L.

On Monday, February 10, the Daily Princetonian published an article about senior football captain Caraun Reid’s accomplishments and his opportunity to play in the NFL. The article relayed that Caraun is a special talent, but the photograph accompanying the article was not of Caraun from this fall’s victory over Yale, but of me jumping in the air.

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Daffy Ducks

Phil Robertson thinks that homosexuality is a slippery slope towards chicken- and toaster-fucking, and in his mind, every black person he met before Civil Rights was just hunky-dory, with no need for more voting rights or nonsense like that. The debate surrounding his interview is so intense, or at least so loud, that Internet activists have tricked themselves into thinking that this is a good and necessary fight.

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Carbon Copy

Breaking your face is not like breaking your arm or your leg. Granted, I have never broken my arm or my leg so maybe I am just falsely assuming things here, but I can only imagine that when you break those parts of your body, it’s more of a functional issue than anything else.

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I’ve a Feeling You’re Not in Kansas Anymore

t’s 4 am and your mind is in Kansas City in 2004 when you made this Geocities webpage in the living room of that house on 91st Street, and you are not crying. Your page is called modernart.html, because not much has changed in the last decade, but you used to put two spaces in between sentences, so things are looking up.

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All Grown Up

Earl Sweatshirt looks so young. His baby face bears a sparse mustache I associate with high school boys trying to prove they’ve hit puberty, and he’s swallowed by an oversize Yankees jersey. Maybe it’s just because I’m so close to the stage, and to other people he seems older than his nineteen years.

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Mary, Full of Space

The car booms up some road that ends exactly in sky and I think this is the most beautiful thing in America I am not used to feeling golden But I think you are Can you tell I’m terrified   … Read More

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Cock Blocking

A justification for the unglamorous, unpopular, but all too necessary role of the cock blocker.

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Facebook’s New Gender Options

When Facebook expanded its gender options early this February, many users were finally able to represent themselves authentically to the online community. The popular social network, which had previously required users to list themselves as either male or female, added a new “custom” gender option to accommodate individuals who do not identify with the traditional gender binary.

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101 Questions to Ask Eisgruber at Office Hours

What is Cap Love? How can I improve my relationship with my mother? what’s ur dick like? You’re Jewish but your name is Christopher… is that weird for you? Have you ever hooked up with a student? Be honest. Which … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard in the CJL

Lapsed Hebrew: I’m PDF-ing Judaism.

Overheard in Viv

Sophomore rower: The thing is, I told him I’d marry him for housing.

Overheard in Henry House

Professor Frank Bruni: People are just [chuckles to himself] …thirsty.

Overheard on the Street

Blonde girl, exasperated: Why do you want to hook up with me now?? I thought you thought I was crazy!
Blond guy: Oh no, I definitely still think you’re crazy.

Overheard in Rocky Dining Hall

Sophomore theta, pensively: Do you ever just look around the dining hall and think, “I don’t want any of these girls to be my little?”

Overheard in East Asian Library

Football player: Excuse me, where is that place where, you know, you like, study?
Sophomore girl: The library?
Football player: Yeah.

Overheard en route to Prospect Avenue

Drunk girl 1: Shout it out to the world, Sarah, what do you want covered?!
Drunk girl 2, screaming: My vagina!!!

Overheard on thinkprogress

The Kentucky Baptist Convention wants to “point people to Christ” by giving away guns at Second Amendment Celebrations hosted across the state. In the words of spokesman Chuck McAlister the strategy is “outreach to red-necks,” and 1,000 people are expected to attend the next event.

Overheard in COM 206

P. Adams Sitney, explaining aristocratic custom: If you’ve ever touched a doorknob, you’ll never be king.

Overheard in Frist

Sophomore Pi Phi: This summer? I’m doing the Dale, probably.

Overheard in the CJL

Orthodox sophomore girl, receiving help on COS homework: You don’t have to help me with this.
Orthodox sophomore boy: No, I really enjoy watching you.

Overheard in EEB 301

Prof. Blair Roberts: It seems hard to understand why females might prefer a longer penis. That seems kind of arbitrary to me.

Overheard in Frist

Gay freshman: I don’t necessarily want to join Ivy, but I see it as a challenge.

Overheard in HIS 362

Perpetually disgruntled professor: Students don’t do drugs here. At least that’s the rumor.
(smothered sniggers from the students)
Professor: We don’t advocate it unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Overheard in Rocky

Eager Chi Phi junior: I’m over those Pi Phis. I’m going for hot alternative girls.

Overheard on the Bridge Year listserv

Thank you to everyone who came to formals on Saturday. It was a fun time. But on to more important issues of social justice: