Drunk girl: You gave up cheese for Lent and I gave up carbs, so how about I eat the cheese and you eat the crust of the pizza?
Drunk boy: You’re brilliant.
Professor Kotkin: That’s what eating clubs are for: shaming you.
Freshman boy: I’m so good at bullshitting, sometimes I don’t do the reading for writing sem and I just say something anyway for the participation.
College admissions “expert,” on student who got into all eight Ivy League schools: He’s not a typical African-American kid.
Nass editor: Lately I’ve been wanting to reconnect with the girl who fed me in preschool.
Upper East Sider: It isn’t poverty. It’s cute. (later) I’m really level-headed and grounded.
St. A’s junior: It’s important to look cool. If you look lame, people won’t have sex with you.
Man in stall: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Man at urinal: Masturbating alone in my room.
Man in stall: No nights off, huh?
David Drew: I’ve heard of that scary consulting group Bridgewater.
Audience heckler, visibly agitated: It’s a hedge fund!
Tween girl, carrying J.Crew bag: You can be Jamaican and white.
Tween girl 2: No, I mean she was actually Jamaican.
Junior editor: This kid was illiterate and couldn’t function in society, but he was good at magic.
Blonde sophomore girl: You’ve heard of her? I didn’t realize other people listened to her.
Senior boy: It’s probably just the two of us.
Blonde sophomore girl: Are you in Terrace too?
Sophomore dude: 13-year-old girls have no idea how to give handjobs.
Maintenance worker, to fellow worker: Forget the Street. These kids are animals. They’re beasts. They’re just products of their environment.
Former USG social chair: thesis can suck a big one
Ivy senior: It’s about impoverished women.
Ivy senior: What, like in Africa?