From: CEO Spike TV
To: Staff, Spike TV
Re: Incorporation with Fox News
To All Staff,
Recently our presence in certain collegiate markets has been dwindling due to competition with Fox News for limited outlets. As a result, our network and executives at Fox have decided that the best way to remedy this problem is to combine forces with Fox to form one conglomerate network. Described below is the strategy for the new leader in cable entertainment- Spox News.
The programming on Spox News will accentuate previously successful strategies that have been employed by both Fox News and Spike TV. As a result, our programming will continue the tried and true strategy of emotionally barren television which, in showing no concern for fellow mankind, assuages the fears of curmudgeony white men who are fretful about the advances made by the Other in society.
As such, Bill O’Reilly will be an essential component of this new programming strategy. According to Fox News, O’Reilly rose from humble beginnings on Long Island to become “the new Pope of TV journalism”. Well, hopefully he likes chicks a little bit better than the real Pope, since on his new show, he will be comparing women to various snack cakes. Expected conversations are to be as follows:
O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton, if you were a snack treat, what would you be?
Clinton: Well, Bill, I’d have to say that I’d have to be a healthy snack treat, since with the rising price of health care in this country I couldn’t afford to be a sugary treat that makes me sick…
O’Reilly: You know, while you were talking I was staring at Condoleeza Rice’s chest, so I wasn’t really paying attention to what you were saying. And I don’t really care you frickin’ liberal, because I already know that you’d be a hoho.
Clinton: Well, Bill, I don’t think that’s really fair to say…
O’Reilly: Just stop right there you minority-cuddler. I think someone who spurts cream like yourself is much more of a twinkie kind of a gal, although Tom Daschle’s up there too….”
This aggressive kind of programming looks extremely promising for Spox News. When shown this sample footage, typical viewer J. L. Mann of Greenville, South Carolina exclaimed, “Well we can’t live with women, and we can’t shoot ’em either, so this show is pretty much the next best thing.”
As evident in the responses gleaned from viewers, the official language on this station will be “good ole boy.” And nowhere will be this mentality be more apparent than when “American Gladiators” is revamped as the new, soon-to-be-smash-hit “American Gladiators Jihad!” On this show Ice, Blaze, Nitro and the others will travel into the heart of the Arab world to combat the forces of militant Islam. Think rebellious Shiite clerics are tough? Just wait until they try to duke it out with Lace in Hang Tough…then they’ll see that they picked the wrong country to mess with. Worried about Hezbollah’s influence in the Middle East? I think their leader will be much less inspiring when he falters in the gauntlet against Viper. And I don’t have to tell you that Yasir Arafat will be much less of a menace to the free world once he is dominated by Turbo in the Rings. Heck, one look at Yasir in the purple competitors outfit and there will be mass uprisings in Gaza.
Our Primetime lineup will be rounded out by the inclusion of one more show in the rotation. While the final show has not yet been decided upon, possibilities include Condoleeza Rice taking over as Pamela Anderson’s character in Striperella (“national security advisor by day, stripper by night, and secret agent by later night”) and the Hannity and Colmes hosted “WWE Steel Cage Death Match”. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim McGreevey have been discussed as first episode participants.
Until then, prepare for the fusion that will be Spox News…where, like Lifetime, we too celebrate women every day. As cooks.