Nefertiti, Egyptian Dominatrix Queen

Even in her middle years, this Egyptian queen’s power and dignity were only surpassed by her extreme charisma. The firm jaw, the clear kohl-lined eye, the slightly tilted chin all scream “Lick my sandal, slave!” In fact, she probably was screaming “Lick my sandal, slave!” while her quivering sculptors captured her royal face. Plus, Egyptian art in her day had to be realistic—not stiff—so we know she was a sexy mama (to Tutankhamen, at least).

Alexander the Great Swinger of Both Ways

Adored by his army and his generals. Very, very good “friends” with that Hephaistion guy and with the Persian slave boy. Had his pick of the ladies from Samarkand to Macedon. Also liked to dress nicely before going to slay people, and interested in poetry. “Hot” doesn’t even come close.

Yang Yuhuan, Imperial Concubine and Country-wrecker

So sexy that her husband, the Emperor Xuanzong, quit his job. Well, not quite, but he had to have her killed before his people would let him order them around again. Also known as one of the more “full-bodied” beauties of Chinese history, possibly due to her fondness of cakes imported through the Silk Road.

Eleanor of Aquitaine, MILF Queen of England and France

A classic creamy-skinned French blonde with a nice touch of the medieval, Ellie ditched her prudish first husband for a feisty guy eleven years her junior and helped her son rebel against him when he got a little too feisty with his numerous lady-loves. She also managed to outlive everybody in the end–apparently with superhuman powers of endurance.

Oda Nobunaga, Samurai Pimp

He cut his bloody way to uniting most of medieval Japan and cemented his reputation as the ultimate bad boy of bushido by getting assassinated. Tragic death + badass “swordplay” = I’d seppuku for him too. Oh yeah, and he liked burning down stuff, and imported muskets…mmm, so phall–I mean, rebellious.

Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, Yeah, that Sade:

Yeah, it’s kinda obvious. The grandpa of all things perverted. But don’t misunderstand, our Monsigneur Donatien also had philosophical tendencies, which he expressed fully in his novels. So you can read all those juicy bits of delight with the warm and happy thought that you’re getting a thorough insight into Sadist thought. And, voilà, two slaves with one manacle!

Alexander Hamilton, “He Can Found My Bank Anytime”

Definitely the brainy, nerdy type, but he’s not without his intense bouts of passionate bad temper (a sure sign of repression and kinda kinky). He suffered from an unfortunate elitism, but hey, you gotta love that fear of popular rule—I know it turns me on. Then there’s that wig. Demise possibly a result of the first Inter-Ivy Shootout, Princeton 1, Columbia 0.

Catherine the Great, Tsarina of Russia, Mrs. Robinson of the 18th Century

German, powerful, rich, Sophia (her real name) ruled her empire–and her numerous boytoys–with a delicately gloved iron fist. The last lover she ever had was forty years younger than her; Sophia definitely had what it took, even at sixty-seven. Plus, Voltaire liked her, and we all know what a baller he was.

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