As the election rapidly approaches, and students and citizens alike declare their political agendas, one might notice that the campaign is really starting to drag along. I mean, perhaps this is just me, but I’m starting to get tired of reading about new reasons to hate Bush and like Kerry. Not that I’m about to change my own mind, but I’m sure there are a few of you out there who are still confused about which of the two to vote for. Perhaps you’re even considering voting for Nader. However, the most important thing for all of us to do is to vote, no matter who you choose. But, if you don’t want to vote for one of the more publicized candidates, I have a few options for you. The following is a comparison between some of the most viable fourth-party candidates out there and our current president.
– Henry Farber, genial economics professor whose charm is only exceeded by his eccentricity onstage.
– M. Bruce Mathers III, popular musician whose wit is as golden as his hair.
– Pedro Martinez, taciturn flamethrower who wears red, white and/or blue 162 days a year.
– Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr., intermittently popular southerner, who for some reason is still acting.
– Stewart Griffin, determined and ambitious Rhode Island youth.
DIFFERENCES FROM BUSH
– Farber: Makes it very clear that he refuses to make it clear what exactly his politics are.
– Mathers: Constantly flip-flopping between identities.
– Martinez: Has come close, but has never actually won anything (or is that a similarity…?).
– Reynolds: Had fun spending time with Marky-Mark and a prosthetic member.
– Griffin: Hails from a lower-middle class family with strong moral values.
SIMILARITIES TO BUSH
– Farber: Refuses to back down from his evil enemies (in his case, Powerpoint and projectors).
– Mathers: Often says funny things in public.
– Martinez: Prone to injuring others without provocation.
– Reynolds: Once played a bandit who was just as skilled at stealing.
– Griffin: One might call him a talking baby.
REASON HE SHOULD WIN
– Farber: We haven’t had a bearded president in ages.
– Mathers: He really has such a stately name.
– Martinez: Everyone loves a “daddy’s” boy.
– Reynolds: He’d be the youngest actor-turned-president.
– Griffin: It’s all about the suspenders.
The choice is yours, November 2, 2004. Vote wisely.