To: Chris Schlegel
From: Barack Obama
Date: Sat, Sep 27, 2008 at 5:47 AM
Subject: Tonight’s debate
We’ve done it!
Or rather, I’ve done it—successfully completed my first debate with Sen. John McCain, whom I refer to as ‘John’ in order to seem familiar and approachable and non-Muslim.
Although the debate was measured and fruitful, let there be no mistake: there are major differences between my policies and the policies of John McCain, which I will go to great length to prove are even more like George Bush’s policies than George Bush’s own policies.
John McCain wants you to think that earmarks are the biggest problem of Big Government. I hate earmarks—even when I secure them for farmers in my home state of Illinois—but what I really hate is the way John McCain’s cheeks sort of bunch up on either side of his beady little eyes when he smiles.
Michelle agrees with me on that one, and Sasha and Malia make barfy sounds whenever his face is on the TV.
John McCain also wants you to think that I “just don’t understand” certain aspects of foreign policy.
But John McCain doesn’t understand how his flawed energy policies will affect working Americans in the Midwest and Southwest, in Alaska and Florida and everywhere in between. He also doesn’t understand how uggles his wife can look, particularly in those witchy little numbers with the garish bows.
But the American people are sick and tired of petty politics, and they’re sick and tired of seeing big Wall Street firms sucking hard-earned dollars away from Main Street, which is the single widest and longest street in the country, running through every middle-class suburb, where there’s a lemonade stand and a pretty little blonde girl on the corner. Isn’t America great?
It is great. But right now, my fellow Americans, America is not quite as great as it ought to be—that is, it has not quite achieved that “more perfect greatness” of which it is capable. Let’s be clear: John McCain is the homeliest man to run for President since Nixon (or Lyndon Johnson—close call). On the contrary, when I smile, the spotlights continually trained upon me dim—if only for a moment—out of deference to my superior mega-wattage.
To reiterate: I am for the federal government’s bailout of financial firms, so long as, whenever that bailout actually becomes a bill and not just a term people love to use, I agree with the things that are in that bill. If I agree with the bailout when it becomes real, I will be for that bailout, and if I do not, then I won’t.
And to be perfectly honest, much as I want to be President, I’m freaking on this economy stuff pretty hard. Just so you know.
John McCain, on the other hand, doesn’t even know how to send an e-mail. Have I mentioned that? Is he serious with that?
So tonight, after thumping some P.O.W. butt on-stage in Mississippi, Michelle and the girls and Joe Biden and I hopped in our Oldsmobile Bravada and went to Wendy’s, which is open till 1 a.m. or later. Joe took his time ordering (typical!), but pretty soon we were settled in the parking lot with Frosties and Spicy Chicken Sandwiches and big Wendy’s smiles on our faces. I think tomorrow I’ll hit up a Sonic, which I’ve never been to before but which I hear is pretty good and super-cheap, so long as you know what to get.
Anyway, Michelle and I are off to watch some True Blood on TiVo.
Thank you for all you’re doing,