I hope this letter finds you well, Cupid. Despite you being a cherub (baby-person), I imagine you have learned to read at some point in your eternal life, and I have made the assumption that you conduct your research and surveillance out of an office, because—due to your shared cherub appearances and penchant for trouble—I have drawn a strong connection between you and Boss Baby. You sound like him, you act like him, and you’re just here to do business. Unfortunately, I have been unable to locate the address of your office, so I have resigned to publishing this letter in Princeton’s premier alternative weekly publication in hopes that it will reach you. I recognize this is a busy time of year for you, but I would like to raise an issue I have had thus far with your services.
As we both know, today is February 13, and it appears that, once again, you have forgotten about me, your most loyal fan. In the past, I’ve been more than understanding about this because I have been able to celebrate this beloved holiday of Love surrounded by friends who I love. However, this year you decided to step in and shoot all of my friends with your little arrows. I’m trying not to take it personally, but it seems that lately every day is spent listening to my friends calling each other “snookums” or “pookiebear” or making thinly veiled jokes about their night time activities.
Look, Cupid, we both know I love Love, and I don’t mean to come off as bitter. I love my friends and I want them to have happiness, love and laughter in abundance—I just want it too. The past two years have been nothing but unrequited crushes and trysts with emotionally unavailable companions, and while I can appreciate your presence in this (trust me, I like a slow-burn, pining story as much as the next hopeless romantic) I feel we are not on the same page.
My formal complaint is as follows: I, as a committed pursuer of love, have not seen you holding up your end of this relationship lately. It seems to me that I am the only one devoted to my happily ever after. I understand this is a very busy time for you, as Christmas is for Santa and I imagine having a simple list of what he must acquire helps streamline the process and cut back on back-end office work, so I will provide you with a similar list to help you find the girlfriend I am looking for.
Cupid, this year for Valentine’s Day I would like a girlfriend who:
- Always laugh at my jokes (unless they are dirty, in which case she will lightly punch my shoulder and tell me “You’re not funny,” even though I am).
- Will understand and appreciate all of my Twilight references.
- Will watch the Lord of the Rings extended editions with me quarterly, and read every book I recommend, providing critical analysis when she finishes them.
- Kisses me like Nick Miller: passionately, in elevators, while Green Light plays in the background.
If you happen to have any issues locating such a girl or have any follow up questions, you can reach me, well, anywhere, I imagine. I am open to compromise (as long as I do not have to compromise). I await your timely response.
P.S. If you are not Cupid, but rather someone who sees themself in the qualities listed above, you are also encouraged to reach out.