DM: Son, I’d like you to come over here.
JOE: Come over there?
DM: Yes, come over here.
JOE: But yesterday you said–
DM: Why don’t you come–
JOE: Yesterday at Disneyland–
DM: –come and sit over here.
JOE: [looking at DM] Alright.
[JOE approaches DM. JOE looks into his eyes. DM looks to his side, at a chair. He taps the chair. He taps the chair, and then resumes eye contact with JOE. JOE looks at DM. JOE looks at DM and sits in the chair.]
DM: There comes a time in every man’s life–
JOE: in every man’s life?
DM: –yes, in every man’s life–when he meets a woman.
JOE: Yes… well I think I have come to that time.
DM: You have?
JOE: Yes, I think I have.
DM: You’ve met a woman.
[JOE nods, slowly.]
DM: Alright then. Tell me about her.
JOE: She is tall. Mature. Understated.
DM: Yes. Go on.
JOE: She likes floral prints.
JOE: I think she prefers Dairy Queen.
DM: That’s natural.
JOE: She bites her nails when she is nervous.
JOE: Her sedan is the color of sand, perhaps like the sand, in the sands of time.
DM: You’re talking about mom.
DM: That’s not what I meant at all.
JOE: Not what you meant?
DM: No, not what I meant.
JOE: But I do believe I have met mom.
DM: Yes, but see–
JOE: Perhaps not under formally–
DM: –you see–
JOE: –then, what really is “formal” these days?–
DM: –no, no, see–
JOE: –it is safe to say, nonetheless, since I’ve spent fourteen years under the same roof–
DM: –see, look–
JOE: –I think–
DM: –OK, but see–
JOE: –I have met mom.
DM: That’s not what I meant at all.
JOE: That’s not what you meant.
DM: No, not at all.
JOE: So what did you mean?
DM: I meant–a woman you might like to lie with.
DM: A woman to lie with. To lie with a woman. To, with a woman, lie.
DM: Alright. Alright. So–
[JOE stares into floor. He sighs, long, exasperated. Quickly he stands up and takes 3 paces forward.]
–so there is a woman, then.
JOE: There is a woman, yes.
DM: OK, so there is a woman. That’s half the battle, son. [DM smiles.]
JOE: Yes, half of it.
DM: Yes, that’s what I said. What is her name?
JOE: Her name.
[DM looks into the back of JOE’s head. He nods to it.]
Her name is Conrad…ny. Conranry. Conry. Connie. Her name is Connie. Connie.
DM: Connie? [smiles]
JOE: Yes that’s her name.
DM: Tell me about her. Don’t describe mom to me again. [chuckles]
JOE: Right, not mom. Connie. Connie is, let’s see. Connie. Connie is also tall.
JOE: Connie also takes to floral prints.
DM: Hm, interesting.
JOE: Connie likes to hold hands.
DM: That’s good.
JOE: My hands, Connie says, are so delicate.
DM: Well, that–
JOE: Like porcelain pineneedles, Connie says.
DM: I mean, OK.
JOE: Connie’s lower lip quivers after an afternoon of practice.
DM: What kind–
JOE: Connie dreads the Criss Cross Handoff routine.
DM: I did too, but–
JOE: Connie likes “pumpin’ large” with two supersize Pepsis at the movies.
DM: Joe, let me ask something.
JOE: Something else?
DM: Something else.
JOE: What would you like to ask?
DM: Let me just ask–
JOE: You want to ask–
DM: [pauses] Does Connie… spend a lot of time with “the guys”?
JOE: Yes, I guess.
DM: Does Connie wear sneakers of good-support, perhaps hiking boots?
JOE: Yes, yes, Connie does.
DM: Does Connie wear a lot of men’s attire?
JOE: Well, no more than any other–
DM: Son, I think there’s something you don’t know.
JOE: Well there are plenty of things a man does not know.
DM: There’s something you don’t know about Connie.
JOE: What don’t I know about Connie? What do you think I don’t know about Connie?
DM: Son, I think…
JOE: Yes, what is it that you think, now that you’ve asked, tell me what you think.
DM: I think that Connie’s a lesbian.
[JOE buries face in hands, falls to floor, sobs silently. DM holds this silent pause.]
DM: She’ll make a good friend, Joe, I’m sure.
JOE: [looks up, facing away from DM] Dad, Connie’s a man.
DM: I know it seems that way, Joe, she sounds very masculine–
JOE: No, Dad. Connie is a man. Connie’s name is Conrad. His name is Conrad. I’m seeing a man named Conrad.
DM: A man named Conrad.
JOE: Yes, a man named Conrad.
DM: You’re seeing him?
JOE: Yes, I am seeing him.
DM: You’re seeing a man?
JOE: Yes, I am seeing a man. His name is Conrad.
JOE: –is Conrad, yes.
DM: Conrad is a man–
JOE: Conrad’s a man.
DM: –whom you’re seeing.
JOE: I’m seeing a man named Conrad, yes.
DM: So you’re gay.
DM: And he’s gay.
DM: This isn’t what I was expecting.
DM: You know about “the birds and the bees”?
DM: Then perhaps this is goodnight.
DM: [leaving] Goodnight, son.
JOE: Goodnight, Dad.
[DM closes door. Lights out.]