After coming back from the Street with my buddies one night, we were trying to decide on a new challenge with regard to the females on campus. After all, there are only so many things you can do with Spelling-Bee Girl in TI. So as we peeled the pizza off the carpet, ate it, and prepared to throw chicken wings at our neighbor sleeping next door, we batted around a couple of ideas.
First we thought about trying to get a date for the guy down the hall who looks for coffins on Ebay. Then we considered streaking through McCosh 50. It was later, however, when we were flipping through the Freshman Facebook for the 10 billionth time since orientation that it hit us. We would try to date an entire page of the facebook.
With our new plan in mind we were pumped. Now instead of merely wondering what it would be like to get with Kelli Hughes of New Albany, Ohio, we would objectively and indiscriminately pursue the people behind the photos and finally learn what they look like below the neck. Of course, we realized that in attempting to date an entire page of the facebook we ran the risk of having to woo some far-from-perfect options at times. The only question was where to draw the line. Sure, a girl’s gotta’ have arms, but is it really all that important for her to have legs? And what if a girl had a nice personality but some really intangible aura about her which rendered her less than desirable? Well, I guess we’d have to try to make the effort to talk to her. Or to try and hook up with her roommate. Or her sister.
Thus our plan was set. When it came to my turn, I let the wind randomly turn the pages of the facebook, held it open, and pointed…
The first girl on page 71 is Laura E. Wieschaus, of Princeton, New Jersey. Hmm I thought, keeping it local- not too bad. After all, you know what they say about Jersey girls. And judging from Laura E. Wieschaus, I can’t say that I was disappointed. Not unattractive (good), blonde (even better), and born on April 8th (awesome- anyone whose patron saint is Albert of Jerusalem is a major turn-on for me). Now all I had to do was find this chick and I’d be set. But then I gasped and shuddered in horror. It was right there under her shapely shoulder…Forbes. Now, for the girl of my dreams I’d be willing to go to Liberia. But I sure as hell wasn’t about to go past the Wa to find some chick who I didn’t even know. Elizabeth Hurley could be in Forbes, and I’d still settle for Ricki Lake if she were living in a quad in Mathey.
So the fair Laura E. Wieschaus was out, and closer, more attainable prospects were in. At this point I was still feeling good about my chances- only one person down, 15 people left to go. I eagerly turned to the next photo, hoping that somehow Vail Bloom’s information had been inadvertently placed in the 2007 Freshman Facebook. To my dismay, however, the name of the subsequent freshman turned out to be Neil M. Wiita (also from Princeton). Now, I have nothing against Neil personally- he looks like a rather dapper fellow. It’s just that I like my dates to have ovaries. And while they don’t have to be big, they just have to be there. After all, I need something to look at when the woman is talking.
Thus after Neil M. Wiita, the following progression of freshman- Blake, Carlton, Harold, Joshua, Timothy, James, and Christopher- did little to damper my growing dissatisfaction. But at the request of a friend who urged me to see just how fluid I could be, I took another look. I was intrigued by the tiger standing in for an actual picture of Carlton H. Williams. I had been on OA with James Williamson and seen him ruggedly hiking through arduous terrain. And if power truly is the greatest aphrodisiac, I couldn’t do much better than landing class senator Chris Willis.
While pondering just how far I could make Chris Willis go to win my vote, the rightward tilt of his face in his photo diverted my attention from his penetrating gaze to the more jovial countenance of Adriana W. Willsie of Redmond, Washington. That she didn’t have a Y chromosome was a major turn-on. That she didn’t live in Forbes was an even bigger one. Seeing that she lived in Wilson, I walked into the Old New Quad, and as luck would have it she was reading next to the volleyball court. Swaggering up to her, I repeated the pick up line I had spent hours perfecting and memorizing,
-Hey, nice weather. And this sure is a better place to study than anywhere on 47th street.
-That’s where you live right? 47th street, in Redmond, Washington…
-What the Hell are you talking about?
-I was under the impression that you lived-
-Yeah I’m from Washington. But how did you know that?
-(thinking furiously)…..uhh…I looked up everyone who was from the Western time zone…I’m, uh, interested in train schedules.
-Ok, well, I’m going to go to the bathroom, and when I get back I think you should not be here.
Back in my dorm (which I quickly made sure was the mandated 500 yards from Adriana’s dorm), I looked at the next set of potential dates I would be pursuing.
First up, Julie C. Wilson of Washington D.C. Easy, I figured. Not only is she from my great hometown of D.C., but she was also in my environmental studies class last semester. I was already ahead, I thought. I had two great discussion topics which would gradually and elegantly lead into a nighttime of us shagging like bunny rabbits. But then I remembered that after working with me on a lab report early in the semester, Julie had switched into Rocks for Jocks. When I later called her to ask how it was going, I found out that she’d transferred to Brown.
At this point there were two girls left on page 71. As convenience would have it, Tiffany G. Wilson lived in the same residential college as me. And that night at dinner I got lucky. Tiffany was sitting alone in the dining hall, eating her pineapple slices alluringly and reading As I Lay Dying- the perfect setting for me to pounce.
-Oh, As I Lay Dying…didn’t you have to read that at Bridgewater-Raritan Regional High School?
-Bridgewater-Raritan, that’s where you went to high school isn’t it
-Uh, that’s pretty creepy.
-Oh don’t worry, I’m not trying to stalk you personally. It’s just that I looked up everyone whose birthday is January 26th.
-I’m going to leave now.
It was as Tiffany ran off in terror that I decided to cease my efforts to date an entire page of the facebook. Sorry Mary E. Winchurch, but you’ll have to wait for some other Prince Charming. As for me, I decided to call a real expert on women for advice….
-Tyler, I have the perfect girlfriend for you- Kate Bosworth.
-Mom, she’s not here yet. She’s coming next year. And besides, she’s going out with Orlando Bloom. I don’t think she’ll be that interested in me.
-Why not? You’re a million times cuter than him, and you must be a million times smarter than him.
-Oh, ok mom.
– Fine, don’t ask her out. Who’s that other famous girl that’s going to Princeton next year? You know, that rapper Shanty-girl or something like that…
– Oh yeah, her. I read in People that she got a track scholarship to Princeton. Why don’t you ask her out, she’s pretty. And from what she was wearing she makes Kim Catrall look like a nun.
– Mom, that was just a rumor, she’s not coming here.
-Oh. Well, uh, how about your RA? Didn’t she just get into med school?
– Mom, my RA’s named David.
– Well, a doctor’s a doctor.