Dear Reader,

Ca: I think we need to have a talk.

Cb: What about?

Ca: I didn’t actually call you in here to take a shower. I called you in here for something else.

Cb: What’s that?

Ca: I called you in here because I think you have a drinking problem.

Cb: I don’t have a drinking problem.

Ca: I wanted to get you far enough away from your bottle that you couldn’t go running to it the moment this conversation started heading a direction you didn’t want it to go—oh, real classy! You brought a half-full bottle of JD with you. You brought your bottle into the bathroom, in your shower caddy. Nice.

Cb: So?

Ca: So, you don’t think there’s a chance you drink too much?

Cb: I think there’s a chance you think I drink too much. I don’t think that really means much, though.

Ca: Well, for example, you’re drunk right now. It’s eight in the morning.

Cb: You’re drunk at the eight in the morning.

Ca: No, I’m not.

Cb: No, I’m not. No, you’re not.

Ca: Last night you told me that you were so blackout that you were almost happy.

Cb: I saw you last night? I don’t remember seeing you—so fun! Did we have fun together?

Ca: It was okay. Mostly it wasn’t. You threw up on me and told me I looked ugly.

Cb: Oh.

Ca: Then you told a girl I was trying to hook up with that I had a small penis.

Cb: Sorry.

Ca: Also, when I tried to help you get up after falling into three Pi Phis, you stomped on my leg until the bone shattered.

Cb: Oh, is that what that cast’s for?

Ca: I’m not coming to you as an enemy. I’m coming to you as a concerned friend, as someone who wants to help you because I don’t think you’re helping yourself.

Cb: What about the time I helped you move your couch into your apartment?

Ca: What do you mean? That was nice of you.

Cb: What about the time I lent you twenty dollars for you to spend on your girlfriend for her birthday? Or that time I gave you a piece of Peppermint Orbit Gum?

Ca: Why are you bringing those things up? Did I not pay you back?

Cb: I’m a good friend.

Ca: What? No, I know you are—I’m confused. Why are you listing the ways you’ve been a good friend to me? I’m trying to be a good friend to you right now.

Cb: You never paid me back from Sophia’s birthday.

Ca: Yes, I did. I paid you back the next day.

Cb: So to get back at you I slept with Sophia.

Ca: What?! When?

Cb: Last night, after you stomped on my leg.

Ca: You stomped on my leg!

Cb: Look, honestly, dude? I really appreciate you trying to help me take a shower, but I’m just not really in the mood. I’m way hungover. Plus, I know how to shower on my own—if you need to borrow more money for Sophia or something, just come right out and say it. Also, can I have my caddy back? If I’m going to get blackout by evening, I’ll need to take that into the shower with me. (Takes caddy) Thanks, man.

–Eds.