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59 Rejected Theses

Here in all their glory are our 59 (close enough, right?) rejected theses.

by staff on November 17, 2019November 17, 2019

The Last List

It’s the apocalypse, and in its last death rattle, the illustrious Nassau Weekly decides to leave one more gift to humanity, to create the only remembrance of our time on earth, to cement an eternal legacy—to publish THE LAST LIST.

by Anonymous on December 10, 2017December 10, 2017

111 Items on Eisgruber’s Search History

5. found out jewish what do I do?

by staff on April 16, 2017August 12, 2017

Reasons I Called P-Safe on My Roomate

There’s nothing worse than a bad roommate.

by staff on November 21, 2016December 5, 2016

The Nass 100

Every spring, the staff of the Nassau Weekly compile a list of things they do not want to see next year. However, I realized it was unnecessary to involve other people in such a task, as I am disproportionately outraged. Also, my therapist thought it would be a useful exercise.

by Ibby Henderson on August 10, 2016July 20, 2017

103 Things to Do as a Prefrosh

The Nass compiled the definitive list of necessary prefrosh experiences

by staff on April 10, 2016April 16, 2016

113 Hangover Cures

Hangover alchemy is a bit more involved than water and Advil.

by Ibby Henderson on March 26, 2016April 3, 2016

145 Very Specific Anxieties

Things you didn’t even know you should be worried about.

by staff on December 6, 2015July 21, 2017

100 Reasons I Can’t Have Sex With You Tonight

My mom has the key to my chastity belt.

by staff on March 7, 2015July 4, 2017

101 Questions to Ask Eisgruber at Office Hours

What is Cap Love? How can I improve my relationship with my mother? what’s ur dick like? You’re Jewish but your name is Christopher… is that weird for you? Have you ever hooked up with a student? Be honest. Which … Read More

by staff on March 8, 2014March 8, 2018

100 Things to Do at Princeton

1. Shirley Tilghman and Christopher Eisgruber, at the same time.

by The Staff on September 8, 2013July 21, 2017

127 Unclaimed Rap Names

The Crying Game DJ Yung Educated But Unemployed Lil Drummer Boy Sofresh n’ Soclean Dion Adonis Morissette D(ean)J Rapelye Rudeboy Giuliani Duncan Hoy-Z Lil Peni$ Lil Italy Lil Lion Man Lil Caesars Pizza Kings ?uest Missy Eliot Linton Missy Michelle … Read More

by Andrew Sondern, Eliot Linton, Elizabeth Lian, Giri Nathan, Rafael Abrahams, Will Pinke on April 16, 2013March 11, 2018


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