1. George W. Bush
2. Julie Cooper "dating" a characeter who's supposed to be 20 years younger than her but is actually played by an actor who's her age.
3. “I’m sorry, the Princess is in another castle”

Correction

1. Natalee Holloway.
2. James Taylor, and the giant pussies who love James Taylor.
3. Wasps who give “spiels”.
4. My roommates using my Ann Coulter poster as a jizz-rag.
5. That one kid who finished Infinite Jest.
6. Vaguely Mongoloid half-Asians and/or Suri Cruise.
7. Powerpoint.
8. That ...

1. The popular Dirty Southern rap term "Crunk" has it's origin in the early 1960s. Jewish pharmacist's would ask young men "bist du krank?" or "are you sick?" when they purchased a dozen bottles of cough syrup. Presumably, the young men answered "yes, I am krank."
2. Diane ...

Dearest Nasslings:
Welcome to Starbucks Coffee™ Presents: the Nassau Weekly’s Corporate, Consulting, Crass Consumer Culture Issue. We’ve made a wonderful friend from Seattle with a bone-crushing handshake, and boy-oh-boy if we aren’t rolling in it this week.
Now served up: a rich, steamy Triangle Club exposé penned ...

Allies, Enemies, and Non-Combatants,
It is with great fanfare and pleasure that we bring you this, the third issue of our tenure as Editors-in-Chief. This week you’ll find a portrait of former Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist ’74, an analysis of the “Education City” in Qatar, musings on Dan ...

Dear All,
Sometimes we make mistakes. Most of the time they are small– like forgetting to wipe before we get in the shower or eating too much at dinner. Sometimes, however, these mistakes are rather large. Like having sex with an ex-significant other when extremely drunk or putting ...

First Voice Message: Today, Friday, the 3rd, 4:27 a.m.
— The sounds of Manhattan circa 3 a.m., most noticeably an earnestly diegetic purring. —
Hey, man, I know it’s been awhile. — Palpable, nay, precocious, slurring — I’m calling to offer my well wishes, since I heard that you ...

We recently got an email from Barack Obama. We had to dig it out of the spam filter, but we did get it. “Dear Nassau Weekly,” it read. “This morning, Michelle and I awoke to some surprising and humbling news. At 6 a.m., we received word that I'd ...

Dear Chancellor Green Café,

A couple of days ago—I’m sure you remember; it was only a couple of days ago, just work with me here—I sat down to skim the rest of a Faulkner short story in the three-and-a-half minutes I had before lecture, when I was interrupted by the music you were playing. Can we talk about that for a sec?

Dear Readers,
Have you stopped to think about the biblical roots of idiocy? The disciples really were the prototypes for the moron in front of you at the supermarket who takes so long to write a check that you can actually see her hair follicles growing. But don’t get ...

Dear Reader,

Forever 30, Forever Nass.

Feast your eyes, ears, and nerve tendrils on Volume 32, Issue 1 of the Nassau Weekly. The new Editorial Board is thrilled to take the reins of the paper. We hope to forge a connection with our readers not unlike that between a Na’vi warrior and her Mountain Banshee ...

Dear Readers,

Dear Reader,

Dear Readers,
How pleased we are to have you! Come, come. Feel our warm, papery embrace. It is cozy in here, whether you use our pages for pleasure, insulation, or as toilet paper.

In celebration of the arrival of March, we’re bringing you a standard issue of the Nassau Weekly.

Dear Readers and Non-Readers Alike,

1. BLACK TAMBOURINE
Black Tambourine
[Slumberland]

1. Beethoven's 5th

Dear Readers,