__WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS__
Having been cryogenically frozen at the end of _Wall Street_, Kirk “Michael” Douglas has returned to wreak havok on this new, technologically advanced century with ’80s know-how and slick suspenders. As any movie buff would know, this premise is a direct rip-off of _Jason X_, the one where Jason kills people on a space ship instead of next to a lake.
*OUR FAMILY WEDDING*
Are we so quick to forget the lessons of West Side Story? Latinos and blacks are natural enemies. When they fall in love, their families will inevitably feud, and it will be sassy as hell. YOU KNEW THIS WHEN YOU STARTED DATING, ATTRACTIVE INTERRACIAL COUPLE. YOU MUST HAVE.
At one point during their set at Terrace F. Club this past Saturday, Das Racist announced that they would not playing “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,” the song many in the audience had come specifically to hear. “It’s a … Read More
The philosophers tell us that everyone has, at some point in their life, given or received a handjob*. Science bears this out. Thing is, though, that handjobs just aren’t that great. Nobody really likes giving them, and, save for a … Read More
Finally tapping into the coveted “Action Movie-Goers Ages 55-64” demographic is _RED,_ the first movie to fully recognize that the bad-ass old guy is the most bad-ass bad-ass possible. For that matter, I think I am not exaggerating when I say that, by and large, the older the practitioner, the more raw the feat. I dare you to name one thing that’s not raw as hell when done by a dude or lady of years. Doing push-ups. Chopping firewood. Yelling at Koreans. Speaking to a nation. Chugging a beer.
The Date “I guess I just don’t know how to deal with loss.” “No, yeah, me neither.” My date had been crying for most of dinner, and I was kind of getting sick of it. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. … Read More
Several weeks ago President Shirley Tilghman, Dean of the College Nancy Weiss Malkiel, and memoirist Cornel West gave their final regards to former USG president, Pyne Prize winner and reality television show contestant Connor Diemand-Yauman in a private, unpublicized ceremony. … Read More
In classic Radiohead fashion, the quirky quartet have kept quite mum in the face of an absolute tsunami of questions about The King and his Limbs. To sort out the shit from shinola, I’m gonna get right into it and do my honest best to clear up some of the main questions surrounding the release.