What Would Jesus Do (at Princeton)?

I love me some baby Jesus.
Mmm, hmmm. A little baby Jesus.
Yummy.
But say the baby Jesus grew up and that after graduating from Nazareth High, he went to Princeton with the aid of our progressive financial aid program to make up for the money that he didn’t have because his dad wasn’t really "present" during his upbringing. So the son of God gets to Princeton, he’s living in Butler Quad with all the other first years, and he’s totally overwhelmed by everything going on. There’s just all these activities and options and choices to make; so what would Jesus do?
First, I think that Jesus would definitely get all the ladies real fast. Can you imagine Jesus at Lawnparties in a pink pastel Jesus-robe dotted with little doves or fishes in the classic J.Crew look? He would be all fist-pumping to Rihanna, and his hair would be getting in everyone’s faces, waving around all hypnotic. Girls would take off their over-sized sunglasses and be like “Whoa, I want me some wavy-haired Middle Eastern boy.” And you know that all the frat guys would give Jesus such a hard time for his look, being like "Whoa, that's a gay wavy-haired Middle Eastern boy." So what would Jesus do? He would do something totally supernatural like kill half of them with lightening like in the Bible and then all of the living frat guys would think that he was awesome in the way that frat guys sometimes think non-frat guys are cool.
Can you imagine how cool it would be to have superpowers? Jesus wouldn’t have to imagine it because he’s got powers for real. He would be at class and then every time his teacher took a sip of water, Jesus would turn it into wine and the teacher would get drunk. “Oh, Jesus! You so silly!”
Would Jesus go to the CJL? This is a really hard question for me to answer, but I think that he would . . . cuz then when he got there the CJL would disappear because he would be like “Okay, so I obviously exist.” And then all of the sudden all the Jews at Princeton would just become atheist Christians instead. Or maybe not. Maybe Jesus would go to the CJL and it would be all-cool and it wouldn’t disappear as soon as he looked at it because its existence defies his existence. This is just a really hard scenario to figure out.
And what would he do with his free time? He’d have to spend a little time smiting his enemies, naturally. So first he would kill everyone that was gay or a witch. And this would really piss off the administration, because it really dislikes attacks on our diversity. But Jesus would do something crazy supernatural (like always), maybe do the water-into-wine trick again or make all the bread multiply or circumcise everyone. And so the administration would be okay then, especially because they wouldn’t want Jesus killing them with lightening á la the by-then-infamous Frat-tastic Massacre. And besides, the administration would love him because all kinds of people would want to come to Princeton just like they do now because Daniel Radcliffe is coming. Anyway, after he had smited all those people, he would heal sick people and give sight to the blind. But if you’re a gay blind person, then you should be wary of Jesus, because Jesus might shoot you.
Naturally, Jesus would have tons of friends. He wouldn’t have to join a frat though because who’s not gonna like Jesus Christ? Once again (and this is getting exhausting), he has superpowers, he wears cool clothes, he’s guaranteed to get into whatever eating club he likes, and he has tons of ladies. At this point, even the nerds and science people would have become Christians and stopped believing in evolution. But you know how Jesus’s best friend would be? Cornel West! Can’t you imagine it? And they would always be making big speeches and quoting each other, and then every once in a while Jesus would do an impression of Cornel, and Cornel would get pissed cuz he doesn’t like being made fun of, so Jesus would make a bunch of bunnies appear out of nowhere, and Cornel would just be like “Oh, Jesus, how can I be angry with all these bunnies everywhere.”
Most of Jesus’ other friends would just be random cool students, though. This is unfortunate for the students in the MANNA Christian Fellowship group, though, because Jesus would have a very low loser tolerance. Zing! And I bet that Jesus would totally joke on people all the time. This would naturally involve his superpowers. Can you imagine if Jesus just walked into your classroom dressed like a ninja and then stabbed the girl next to you in the stomach? Everyone would freak out and be like “Oh, my God! A ninja just killed Stacy! WTF?!?!” But Jesus would snap and his costume would come off and he would be covered in Stacy’s blood and be all like “Oh my Dad, I killed Stacy! . . . . Zing!” And then Stacy would come back to life, and everyone would laugh and laugh, and Stacy would have one kick-ass story to tell for the rest of her life. Plus, she would get a spot in The Bible: ~Redux~ that would come out to chronicle Jesus’s days at Old Nassau. Of course, the new bible would also be accompanied by an MTV reality show that put on display all the drama of his daily life. It would be called “Jesus: This is me, on the real”.
Okay, so Jesus has all these ladies, right? But would he do love-making with them? The answer to this is “no.” And that’s because it’s a sin. This also means that Jesus can’t do homosexual experimenting with his secret crush. But that doesn’t mean he can’t express himself by sending a Crush bottle or by looking at gay porn, which he would then destroy with his powers.
But I know what you’re wondering. Come sophomore year, what would Jesus do in selecting his junior-year dining options? Would he do a four-year college or bicker or sign-in somewhere or go independent? I think that he would surprise us. He would become a dining option. He would give unto us his flesh and blood. This just illustrates that Jesus has superpowers that include regeneration. Some of Jesus’s other superpowers include laser eyes, stretchiness, and the gift of tongues (tee-hee!). He’s also super-benevolent. But seriously, Jesus would be sooo yummy.