This Just In from London

I recently spent a week in London. I decided, then, to review its nation, England. Here is my account . . .
England is a country that is in the Atlantic Ocean. It’s close to big Europe. Its terrain includes grassy field, rocky road, river, tree-dotted park, concrete, sea, and people-dotted street. Some of England’s land is very old and pretty; some of England smells and has only clouds above and Eastern Europeans below. England’s city is London; it is large and beholds all of the aforementioned terra features. Outside of London there is grass, Stonehenges, cottages, herdspersons, roads, and suburbs.
People in England are varied in the color of skin, hijab, and teeth. Old English people come in twos and walk in parks, often with canes and cool beret hats. England’s old people are cool, with their incredibly heavy accents. How delightful! There are also middle-aged and young people, though. Most varieties of middle-aged English persons are forgettable, although some of them look like the people that I imagine when I think of a pub and bangers n’ mash, which is fun. I don’t know what bangers n’ mash are/is. These middle-aged people and their descendants have clothes that often highlight U.S. sports teams, New York City, and beer, and these middle-aged people are sociologically cool. They have ugly teeth. America is a better country.
The young people array is the most fun to review.
English young people are punk, Eurotrash, posh, nerd, or plebian. Among them, only the punk and Eurotrash are worth mentioning. Punks stand around Camden Market and get tattoos and sometimes pierce their genitals for £40. They wear black, and if they are from another country then they offer me drugs. “Snort-snort, mate?” is what they say. Most punks are pale and have pimples and buzz cuts or dreadlocks. When a person walks past a punk, she best put on her own hard glare and walk by with confidence while clutching her belongings (purses, pets, childs, etc.); doing so lets the punk know that she’s not scared and that she will protect her territory. Punks also sometimes suck on cannabis lollipops.
Eurotrash English kids wear clothes that say D&G, Gucci, or Armani, but don’t be fooled: these clothes are not D&G, or Gucci, or Armani. They buy these fake clothes on the street and then put gel in their hair and make their hair look spikey and progressive, which altogether is just silly. When they’re grown, instead of working in office cubicles á la NBC’s The Office, they work at H&M, TopShop, or Zara, wear sleeveless shirts and ball-tight pants, and get very tan-colored. Much like the ‘bangers ‘n mash’ middle-aged Brits, the Eurotrash often wear clothes that feature New York City. But rather than a Yankees jersey, a Eurotrash Englishman’s shirt will instead likely feature tiny British nipples, peaking their little selves through the skintight clothing of their beholder in a statement of rebellion. Eurotrash girls aren’t nearly as interesting as their male counterparts. They basically look like cool American girls that have stylish clothes to make up for their ugly. If they don’t have much ugly, then they just look like cooler, hotter American girls.
The cultures of England are many, and all of them are equal but different. Most numerous are the traditional white English people. They are traditional because when one thinks of the tyrants that fought against America in the Revolution, one specifically imagines their pallor and the terror in their faces as they shy away in fear of American liberty and justice. When one imagines these battles, one never tends to imagine the Eastern Europeans or South Asians or Africans that today populate England, and as such it is unlikely that they have been there forever like the native Englanders.
England has arts; they are music, theater, and normal, flat art. If one likes the latter, then she ought to go to the museums. The museums in England are normally called Tates. Some of the Tates are for modern art, some are for flower scenery art, and some are for dressed-up-white-people art. Other museums, such as the British Museum of the Great Successes of British People feature the history of British success in conquering the world, although it makes no mention of British defeat by American forces in the American Revolution, War of 1812, World War I, or World War I Redux<i>.
If one likes the other kinds of art, there is the West End for theatre and the subway for music. The West End has tacky but important theatres that put on display the sheerest of class and culture. These are popular shows that people pay about $200 dollars to see so they can talk about them at Starbucks. For example, one of the current headlining shows features Don Johnson of <i>Nash Bridges renown in the production of Guys and Dolls. ‘Tis true. The other headlining show, Equus, features a sixteen-year-old penis that has sex with a horse and then kills it with a glorious and magical curse. This play stars Daniel Radcliffe, Princeton class of ’11. These are the kinds of reasons that Europe is interesting. The subway music is also important and artful. People mostly play guitar, but on occasion one may encounter a man playing the Kenny G horn, and such men normally have few to zero coins in their receptacles.
Speaking of subways, England has a subway. It is called the Underground because most of it is underground, but the parts that are not underground are still called the Underground, surreally. The Underground connects people to various points around the city for a fee of about $4. The subway is a great way to see the rainbow culture that England maintains. If one does not desire to get on the subway, then one may walk. England is very tiny, and so this makes walking easy.
Finally, England is expensive, and this is ridiculous. It costs lots more money to get the same things in England than in the United States. Are the corresponding British items better than the American equivalents? Of course not! This is just British people being arrogant and fussy about losing wars and economic power. For example, a Burger King hamburger in England will cost about £3, which is about $6. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
England!