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Dear Sophomores,

I hope that everyone had a great weekend. I know we did. On behalf of The Wondrous University Icy Club, Prospect Avenue’s coolest, most exclusive eating club, I want to welcome you all to the Third Circle of Hell that is the last few weeks before bicker, and extend a little friendly advice about the process.

1. Do not listen to the rumors. In fact, starting right now, do not listen to anyone. No, not your closest friends. No, not even your mom. Definitely not your mom. Everyone is out to sabotage you. Paranoia is the only way to survive. I might be a saboteur (I’m not). But I might be (again, I’m not). Trust no one (except me).

2. People will tell you a lot of things about Icy bicker in the coming weeks. They will say things like, “Icy Club isn’t a real eating club,” or “it’s just an igloo outside of Woody Woo,” or “it’s only large enough for three people at a time.” These are rumors. However, all rumors begin in truth, and you should keep that in mind.

3. Our bicker process is rather unusual. The first night is sort of our “fun” night, but this categorization depends heavily on your subjective understanding of the word “fun.” If it involves stripping naked and spending the night inside of an igloo, covered in the blood of a virginal penguin, then you are in luck. The second two nights are interviews.

4. I cannot say any more about the bicker process. You see, Icy is one of the most secretive clubs on campus. I’ve already said too much. Burn this email after reading it. That’s right, print it out and then burn it.

5. Perhaps you’ve seen us around. On an average day, we’re dressed in all-white, child-sized snowsuits that have been hand-tailored to fit our nubile, young-adult bodies. If you see us on campus, please feel free to avert your eyes awkwardly. That way we will know you’re interested in bickering.

6. Icy has the best, most exclusive parties, which is why you’ve likely never heard of them. Our passes are thin sheets of intricately carved ice that will, without fail, melt in the palm of your hand before you can hand them to our hilarious bouncers.

7. Our bouncers are hilarious. They are the funniest bouncers on the street. You will literally die when you meet our bouncers. Because they are also the meanest bouncers on the street. They will literally tear you limb from limb. Our bouncers are also just leopard seals wearing hoodies.

8. Above all, you should bicker the club that is the right fit for you, and as disappointing as it may seem, that just might not be Icy. Please understand that this is in no way a reflection on you or your personality. This is most likely a reflection on your physical size, as we are located in an igloo in front of Woody Woo that only fits three child-sized adults (or two adult-sized children).

See you in February,


*This email was dictated, but not read, by two leopard seals.

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