For months, Princeton University has been a frenzied hellscape of construction. (If we hear the godforsaken beeping sound of a truck backing up, we will lose our minds haha!) We hope you enjoy this list, from Nass staff and contributors, of the construction projects that might soon grace this campus.
- A settlement of straw menstruation huts to cut back on costs.
- The Enemy Center.
- A literal pipeline between the Econ department and Goldman Sachs.
- Another building named with a random number generator between 1900 and 2000.
- A twenty-person suite called The Colossus.
- Slot machines, with prizes including priority for making a CPS appointment, airpods, and a Patagonia jacket from eating club lost & found. Installed in an effort to get students off Twitter.
- An entire res college for the 400 people on the football team.
- A seven-lane parkway for electric scooters.
- A new eating club just for people who have done Bridge Year.
- An all-day cafe serving fourth-wave, single-origin, fruity light roasts, parsed-back, vegetable-forward small plates (there is one 40oz tomahawk steak per day for $430 though), and responsibly produced, bio-dynamic, oranges, pinks, and purples, with a retail space in the front for carefully considered, sustainable menswear, post-minimalist home goods, and selections from the baristas’ personal record collections.
- An iron dome around campus to fend off attacks from alumni whose kids didn’t get in.
- A museum documenting the construction of the new art museum.
- An eco-friendly student-powered hamster wheel that recent humanities alums have to run on until they can find jobs that make more than 100K.
- A doomsday bunker called “Last College”.
- An embassy for Junbi and Bumble ambassadors.
- A safe space for students to tell their fears and concerns to a hyperrealistic bust of Jill Dolan that smiles and nods her head and occasionally says phrases like “campus community” “acknowledge” and “academic rigor”.
- A wishing fountain that only accepts PawPoints instead of coins.
- A competitor to the Bent Spoon called the Contorted Fork.
- A nudist colony, built solely to ensure that pre-med students will ace their future anatomy classes.
- A new D floor of Firestone containing nothing but thousands of copies of Jordan Salama’s book.
- The chocolate river from Willy Wonka, but cold brew.
- Garden Theater 2 but it only shows Marvel movies.
- The removal of all barriers to Princeton, including but not limited to: sidewalk barriers, railings, and walls.
- A slip ‘n’ slide on Washington Road.
- New College South by Southwest, a forum for enterprising COS333 students to market their products directly to venture capitalists.
- A large egg in Cannon Green, to be worshiped daily—rumors say Eisgruber, impregnated by a divine spirit, laid it. Who knows what will hatch?
- A new, second Hermès store to replace Murray-Dodge Café.
- A real-life political echo chamber.
- A third Whig-Clio building for students who are fiscally conservative and socially liberal.
- The Mouth Of Hell.
- A billboard spanning the entirety of McCosh Courtyard explaining Princeton’s commitment to minimizing construction-related inconvenience.
- Mezzanine, balcony seating for Addy Common Room piano performances.
- A permanent temporary housing site for students whose dorms are being built.
- Crypto.com Arena.
- An empty swimming pool to facilitate a cappella riff-offs.
- Not the Campus Club Coffee Club or the NCW location but a secret, third location that sells adderall-infused drinks.
- A modernist-style multi-story apartment complex for the campus fox and his friends and relations.
- A collection of upright stones with no known purpose or significance.
- A tightrope connecting Fine Hall and New South.
- A comically large button next to Nassau Hall that instantly unsubscribes you from listservs.
- An exact copy of Kwanza Jones Hall but with unstealable doors.
- A New New South to accommodate the Campus’s changing center due to southward expansion.
- An eerie, dark, gloomy addition to Chancellor Green donated by Princeton alumna Judy Moody ’81.
- Hobson College.
- A building made entirely of Dean Jill Dolan’s memos.
- Building-to-tent conversion for all on-campus structures.
- One singular COVID isolation room.
- An official DMZ between Whig and Clio.
- A big concrete cube.
- An alumni welcome center that takes over all of the land on Poe Field.
- The TigerBog, a swampeous mixture surrounding Cloister.
- 20 more boba stores to reach 500% market saturation.
- Prox checkpoints for all Nassau Street businesses.
- An arena for eating club presidents to fight to the death.
- Several more of those multi-million-dollar pink banquet tables.
- A cryogenic chamber to preserve Joseph Schein ’37.
- The removal of all pedestrian paths in preparation for a scooters-only campus.
- A forcefield around campus to keep out all news of the outside world.
- A dodecahedron-shaped monument to commemorate the 12-sided legacy of Woodrow Wilson.
- A large painting of a tunnel on the side of Frist for cartoon characters to comically run into, thinking it is real.
- Another grocery store five miles from campus with no public transportation to get there.
- Paul Bunyan.
- The replacement of all the gargoyles on campus with President Eisgruber’s face.
- Conversion to a more eco-friendly vertical campus.
- Replacing the paths with moving walkways FOR TOURS ONLY.
- Cap & Gown 2: 2 Cap 2 Gown.
- An immersive historical village for alums to relive their all-male, all-white college experience.
- A McDonald’s play pen.
- Oil rigs.
One thought on “70 of Princeton’s Next Big Construction Projects: A Nass List”
Single, not singular.