1. Burn it all!
  2. Buy 75,000 lottery tickets.
  3. Buy 75,000 more squirrels.
  4. Reduce the national debt by $75,000 (10e-100 percent).
  5. Get 7,500,000 pennies and glue them together into a bronze statue of Shirley Tilghman.
  6. Buy 7500 malaria nets, deliver them to families, and provide education about their importance and use through the Nothing But Nets campaign.
  7. Buy 15,000 malaria nets but just keep them around campus.
  8. Give 15 $5,000 startup loans to African businesswomen.
  9. Increase every Princeton undergrad’s financial aid by $14.41.
  10. Build a nuclear bunker in case Harvard attacks.
  11. Build a nuclear bomb so we can attack Harvard.
  12. Replace the bulbs in all of the lamps around campus with blacklights.
  13. Turn Alexander Beach into an actual beach and move the ocean next to it.
  14. Hire animal trainers to domesticate the squirrels so they can deliver messages like the Owls in Harry Potter.
  15. Build a time machine. Go back and save JFK, MLK, Jesus, Greek life, etc.
  16. Sponsor all 35 Amur leopards left in the wild.
  17. Harvest Cannon’s moisture.
  18. Make every day Charter Friday.
  19. Hold two smaller dances: The Orange Ball and The Black Ball.
  20. Build an Orange and Black Ball Pit.
  21. Cure the Orange and Black Plague.
  22. Cure cancer.
  23. Provide research money for a very tiny Jurassic Park in the geology department.
  24. Hire Batman to extract Ai Wei Wei from China so he can speak here next semester.
  25. Print the Nass in color.
  26. Print the Nass in 3d.
  27. Print the Nass in 4d (scratch ‘n sniff).
  28. Supply the Nass with enough boxed wine to last them a month.
  29. Buy half of a decent horse.
  30. Buy half of a kidney on the black market.
  31. Get Third Eye Blind to be the official band of Princeton.
  32. Build a tiny Princeton to educate bees.
  33. Build a tunnel for the Dinky to go through just cuz.
  34. Build a school in India.
  35. Build a Shetland pony farm.
  36. Get three-ply toilet paper.
  37. Get functional printers.
  38. Upgrade seats in McCosh 50 to chairs sized for normal humans AND their laptops.
  39. Give a needy child 1 1/2 semesters of Princeton education.
  40. House the freshmen.
  41. Give every RCA amazing condoms.
  42. Give every RCA a communal bucket of lube.
  43. Get out of town prostitutes for the U-Store.
  44. Post bail for the U-store pimp.
  45. Pick up Forbes and move it closer.
  46. Install Pneumatic Tube Travel for the Street.
  47. Put Lava everywhere.
  48. Invest in gold.
  49. Make gold-plated proxes.
  50. Give commemorative “Shirley Tilghman: A Princeton Presidency” China sets to every student.
  51. Revert to key locks.
  52. Don’t charge students $30 to get let back into their rooms.
  53. Make a dope lip-dub video for the whole school to Katy Perry’s “Firework”.
  54. Get T.I. for Lawnparties … at T.I.
  55. Buy literally dozens of spiders for every student.
  56. Buy a .64 second Superbowl ad.
  57. Buy the crew team motorboats.
  58. Buy floppy disk drives and copies of the Oregon Trail for every campus computer.
  59. Reopen Campus Club.
  60. Reopen Key and Scroll Club.
  61. Turn Quad into a waterpark.
  62. Turn Frist Campus Center into an elaborate haunted fun house on Princetonween.
  63. Turn Frist Campus Center 90 degrees clockwise.
  64. Put a monster in Lake Carnegie.
  65. Buy several WaterBlobs and a water trampoline for Lake Carnegie.
  66. Buy a few campus puppies in order to promote psychological health.
  67. Plant ornamental children and old people around campus to make it feel homier.
  68. Fund ESL lessons for foreign preceptors.
  69. Adopt a class of ‘13 infant that they all have to take turns watching.
  70. Offer courses that take you to China with more welcoming titles than “Anxious Megalopolis”.
  71. Buy Turkmenistan and rename it Turdmenistan.
  72. Change the name of a single bench on campus.
  73. Change the name of “Dillon Gym” to “Dylan Jim”.
  74. Buy enough stones to stone the whole USG at one public stoning.
  75. Send every student a birthday card and a coupon for one free burrito at Qdoba on their birthday.
  76. Subsidize fine scotch for undergraduates.
  77. Convincingly burn down Wilson and collect the insurance money.
  78. Convincingly burn down Toni Morrison and collect the insurance money.
  79. Let Mitt Romney wipe his ass with it.
  80. Produce Barack Obama’s birth certificate.
  81. Amend the student dental plan to include complimentary grillz.
  82. Pay the abused lab chimps a decent wage.
  83. Engineer campus so that everything is downhill from everything.
  84. Get a 20-foot inflatable cat to defeat that rat.
  85. Give p-safe tasers.
  86. Give every freshman a forehead tattoo of their residential college.
  87. Give every sophomore a forehead tattoo of the club they want to bicker.
  88. Give every junior a forehead tattoo of their department.
  89. Give every senior a forehead tattoo of their thesis topic and future plans and the Princeton seal on their ass upon graduating.
  90. Improve Our Education.
  91. Make precepts one-on-one.
  92. Resurrect Woodrow Wilson.
  93. Fund Classes in ‘Good Taste’.
  94. Fund More Exciting & Educational & Transformative Research.
  95. Fund More Exciting & Educational & Transformative Student Projects.
  96. Launch a criminal investigation to identify and bring to trial the towpath flasher.
  97. Buy Michael Jiang new blue and white striped Oxford shirts.
  98. Bribe David Petraeus to become President of the University.
  99. Bribe Shirley Tilghman to remain President of the University.
  100. Start a campaign to elect Shirley Tilghman as President of the United States.

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