With the Democratic and Republican primary elections right around the corner, you’ve certainly heard the distinct murmurs of political debate slowly permeating through the Orange Bubble. Maybe you’ve already begun flexing your intellectual muscles to engage in discourse—gasp—outside of precept, with your peers, parents, professors, or even that one person-who-claims-to-be-apolitical-but-has-opinions-about-everything.
There’s the old adage, “know thy enemy,” or in this case, “know thy political sparring partner,” and so to help you do just that, we at the Nass have compiled a list of the 10 kinds of voters you’re most likely to encounter in the Democratic primary.
1. The voter who speaks entirely in John Mulaney quotes and qualifies their political engagement by watching The Daily Show and SNL.
We all know this voter. We may even be this voter. This voter is definitely embracing living in the era of information, and likely has linked all of their social media accounts to never miss a well-timed satirical poke at the current administration. Their tendency to parrot Mulaney’s famous “Horse in a Hospital” sketch or whip out their best Trump impression to compete with those of Trevor Noah and Alec Baldwin shouldn’t be used to pass judgment on who they are as a person, but rather their inability to update their glossary regarding political satire. I will admit thatlate-night comedy witticisms are still relevant until the farce of our political arena becomes enough of a joke to surpass them, but. . . as Mulaney himself says, we’re wellpast that point.
2. The voter who has conveniently forgotten that the required age to be president is 35
One of the most notable up and comers who is vying for greater power in the democratic partyis New York’s own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Whether you love or hate her, you have to admit that she is in fact only 29 years of age. While that may endear her to this young voter who feels other candidates may have lost touch in their old(er) age, even they cannot deny that AOC can’t technically legally run for president at this point in time.
3. The “Feel the Bern 2.0” voter
This voter still religiously follows Sen. Bernie Sanders on Instagram and Twitter and has been crying highway robbery since the 2016 primary. We understand love and passion for Bernie; even I admit he’s the socialist grandfather I never had. But as the current race for the presidential nomination heats up, this voter may have to come to terms with the fact that Bernie faces some steep competition.
4. The “I’m socially liberal, but fiscally conservative” voter
A lot of us know this voter, and maybe this voter is one of our parents, or a certain friend of ours who went to school in Greenwich, uses the word summer as a verb, and celebrates Christmas in the Hamptons. Voter, this is an official callout. One half of that statement is a lie, and while you don’t have to know which at the moment, this primary may be the time where you take a stand. With the Dems on the verge of creating a new party order, you may be forced to one side of the political aisle once and for all.
5. The voter who intentionally didn’t vote in 2016, but now constantly complains about Donald Trump
If we’re still talking about callouts, this is one of epic proportions. In case the onslaught of celebrity “wokeness” commanding everyone to VOTEVOTEVOTE wasn’t enough to convince you, I’ll say this: your vote counts, and not voting to “protest the system” doesn’t accomplish anything except maybe freeing up some time buy a coffee on election day. (Literally, that’s about all you could accomplish with the time you save—5 minutes voting could save you four years or more of racism and xenophobia! . . . Or 15% or more on car insurance, I always forget which.) This may be making light of an actual problem, but for real, register to vote on time.
6. The voter who wasn’t eligible to vote in 2016 and who wants to kick the aforementioned voter’s ass.
There were hordes of elder teens and politically minded tweens whose voices were missing in the last presidential election. These voters would have given anything to take part in the democratic process, and I personally know some of them are back with a vengeance and ready to take 2020 by storm. Let’s just hope they know to start voting as early as possible, even before the general election comes around.
7. The voter who mourned Kavanagh’s appointment for a week but is still hoping Biden wins
I know I was just one of many people who were appalled by the way that Kavanagh’s investigation and appointment were handled, and I certainly know that his behavior during questioning wasprobably more useful in evaluating his ability as a judge, rather than the allegations of sexual assault. I as well as many othersstood by Dr. Christine Blasey Fordin the wake of Kavanagh’s extreme denial and elaborate storytelling, and find similar solidarity with Anita Hill, especially with the popularity of the Time’s Up initiative and #MeToo movement. While I know that a lot of people feel nostalgia for Biden and the Obama administration—really, the bromance memes are classic—I would caution these voters against holding political figures to different standards based on party loyalty.
8. The “Kumbaya” voter
There’s always that one voter who is still striving for unity amidst chaos. While I appreciate this voter’s sentiment, togetherness is looking less and less possible as more bids for the primary enter the race. It would be nice if “we could all get along like we used to in middle school and bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy,” but sadly, I think this voter’s lost touch with reality just the tiniest bit.
9. The voter who was has gone to every political march since January 2017
This voter is engaged, ready to go, and possibly slightly anarchic.They’ve been making posters since day one and have worn in at least three pairs of sneakers to get to this point–at last the quest to take the perfect woke insta has come to an end, complete with a pussy hat bought on Etsy.Despite the fact that their motivations for protest are slightly suspect, I can only hope that they don’t burn out before the election, or worse, watch a Jordan Peterson video.
10. And lastly, the voter who is holding-on-for-dear-life-because-they-have-no-idea-where-this-primary-is-taking-the-Dems-but-who-desperately-needs-this-to-work-out-for-2020
I think that in this moment, even if only a just a little, we’re all voter number 10.